Philadelphia Will Do  

The Least Truthful Sentence Ever Written By Anyone, Anywhere

011208irvinhurt.jpg So. J.C. Romero. As you probably know, the Phillies’ pitcher (who won a pair of World Series games) tested positive twice for a banned substance and is suspended for the first 50 games of next season. Whoops!

There’s a lot here, but fortunately for us the sports media — both those newfangled blogs that convinced Buzz Bissinger the First Amendment should be eliminated and the old sports media that never, ever writes anything wrong or stupid — is sticking to just writing moralistic editorials or angrily questioning why “nobody cares.”

Like a priest’s sermon about low church attendance, complaining about people not caring is easier than actually attempting to convince someone why he or she should care about it. So it’s kind of popular. Case in point: Mike Freeman, National Columnist.

In a column about asterisks and morality and whatever else, Freeman manages to write this sentence, which immediately shoots up to #1 on my personal list of most awesomely awesome sentences ever (superb, amazing, incredible, Pulitzer- and Super Bowl MVP-winning sentence in bold):

So, now knowing all of this information, doesn’t the Phillies’ World Series title deserve an asterisk?

Many in the mainstream media are afraid to say this, fearing the wrath of Philadelphia sports fans, but it’s definitely something to consider.

Because if there’s one thing we can say about the mainstream sports media, it’s this: They never, ever say anything bad about Philadelphia sports, lest they anger their fans. Remember when Phillies Nation won the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year award in 2004? And when Eagles fans were inducted into 147 different Halls of Fame — including those for badminton, bass fishing, YouTube video making, marbles (in Wildwood, N.J.), birds, pepper, robots, Constitutional scholarship and Elvis impersonation — just last year?

But congratulations to Mr. Freeman; he has truly earned this honor.

(Aside: The photo’s from the game where Michael Irvin got hurt, Eagles fans cheered, Deion Sanders danced around stupidly — okay, that was every game — and a horrible Eagles team beat Dallas. I think they won. One of my favorite sports conspiracy theories ever is this: Irvin was going to be suspended for cocaine, so he and Jerry Jones conpsired to fake this injury in order to save face for him and the Cowboys. Yeah, that’s pretty awesome, if no doubt completely nonsensical.)

Hello? Anybody care suspended Romero plays for champs? [CBS Sportsline]

  1. Lynn Says: Jan 12 10:08 PM

    This just pisses the shit out of me.

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