Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: Someone sure did something nice for the subject of this column.

Elmer Smith: Hmm, I dunno, maybe the Fort Dix Five should get a fair trial, but I’m not really sure. (That’s really a thought in this column.)

Christine flowers: Yes, Christine Flowers on Caroline Kennedy! Let’s take a look:

ABOUT A YEAR AGO, Neil Diamond finally revealed the inspiration for his song “Sweet Caroline.” He of the impressive sideburns said that it was while looking at a picture of Caroline Kennedy in the ’60s that he was moved to write his signature song.

Aside from the slightly creepy aspect of a grown man taking a prepubescent teen as his muse

Get that, Caroline Kennedy? You can’t be a senator because Neil Diamond is a pervert, maybe!

There’s also some stuff about how Caroline Kennedy doesn’t even use her law degree, OMG, and man, we don’t even really know what she does and we surely can’t look it up or anything.

It doesn’t matter, though, I’m pretty sure Caroline Kennedy is already a shoo-in for the senate seat.