Buddy Ryan Survived The Flu To Become Philly’s Greatest Citizen

As you may have heard — perhaps on this very site! — this month’s Phillymag lists the top 100 Philadelphia moments that shaped our city.

Anyway, if you are indeed a regular reader of this site (thanks!), you might remember this discussion question at the bottom of the post linked above:

3. Throwing snowballs at Santa in 1968 is definitely on this list, since it’s right up there with Rocky and cheesesteaks in terms of annoyance. Where do you think it ranks?

Turns out it’s number twelve. How this ranks 30 spots higher than “Flu pandemic kills 12,000″ I do not know.

Any top 100 list besides “top 100 numbers” is going to be stupid. But Phillymag’s list is absolutely bonkers. Let’s take a look at some of my favorite moments, in convenient charticle format.

100. “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” invented, 1994: Phillymag writes the Albright College kids who invented the “obsessive game of connect-the-dots linked Bacon — and Philly — to everyone in the World.” Albright College is in Reading; Kevin Bacon moved away at 17, I think.

Suggested replacement: Invention of beer pong. Doesn’t really matter where it happened, it connected drunken frat boys at all colleges to frat boys at Albright college to “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.” Only a few steps!

94. The “Philadelphia Experiment,” 1943. This is a conspiracy theory that the Navy made a ship disappear in an experiment in 1943, i.e. it’s something that never happened.

Suggested replacement: The time the Bizarro Men from the planet Faloomba invaded Philadelphia and killed everyone under the age of 50. Man, that was wild.

85. Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff team up, 1984; 84. Thirtysomething debuts, 1987; 83. The Northeast attempts to secede from the city, 1985. Phillymag calls Will Smith “the biggest movie star alive.”

Suggested replacements: Hall and Oates team up (duh), Hack debuts, Phillymag secedes from Philadelphia.

68. M. Night Shyamalan releases The Sixth Sense, 1999. This one makes sense, however…

Suggested replacement: M. Night Shyamalan releases Lady in the Water. It’s a billion times more fitting.

46. Acme Markets merges, creating “Going to the Aka-me,” 1917. I think it’s written Ack-a-me, but whatever. What’s excellent is the reasoning: It’s just about the pronunciation.

Suggested replacement: William Sansom builds Sansom (aka Sampson) Street. I know it’s older than 100 years, whatever.

33. Buddy Ryan changes “Iggles” forever. This is the only football item on the list besides throwing snowballs at Santa Claus. For a football-obsessed town. No, really. Also, Buddy Ryan ahs fewer Eagles playoff wins (0) than Rich Kotite (1), Ray Rhodes (1) and Andy Reid (8). But he put a bounty on a kicker and lost three playoff games by more than a touchdown each time!!!

Suggested replacement: This.

30. CHOP named #1 hospital in U.S., 2003. When a pointless survey from the #2 magazine for pointless surveys (U.S. News, ranked behind Men’s Health) named CHOP the #1 children’s hopsital, “the nation’s doctors (and parents) took notice.” Tiny ol’ CHOP, unknown until a magazine ranked it highly on a list. C. Everett Who?

Suggested replacement: Men’s Health names Philadelphia the nation’s fattest city. I can’t believe this isn’t on the list, actually. (In all seriousness, that C. Everett Koop founding the pediatric surgical division at CHOP in 1946 conveys approximately the same idea — “Children’s Hospital is important!” — with the added bonus of being an actual event that maybe meant something.)

12. Eagles fans pelt Santa with snowballs, 1968. “The enormity of the collateral damage cannot be overstated.” Sure it can. Eagles fans pelting Santa Claus with snowballs caused 9/11.

Suggested replacement: I dunno, nothing about Charles Conrad, born in Philadelphia, commanded the second lunar landing? I don’t really see how that had an effect on Philadelphia, but, um, have you seen the rest of the list?

10. Dilworth and Clark, 1951. There’s a story about them in the magazine that I haven’t read yet, but here’s the full entry on the top 100 list: “No two men did more to shape Philadelphia in the 20th century.” The front page says the list is “the 100 moments that shaped our city.” How the hell is this not number one, then?

Suggested replacement: Pretending this list doesn’t exist.

7. Phillies collapse, 1964; 6. Phillies win World Series, 2008. In the last 100 years, 2 of the top 100 moments in the city’s history are baseball results. In what most people would call a football town. The mag also suggests that 2008 somehow made up for 1964. The 1980 World Title and the greatest third baseman to ever play the game? Pssshaw, that one didn’t count, because 2008 is more recent.

Suggested replacement: Kixx win indoor soccer league twice. Did you know that’s as many titles as the Phillies have? Yes, that means I think #1 should be the Philadelphia Wings.

4. Penn builds the world’s first computer. Just so you remember that when we get to number one, “invention of computer” is ranked lower than “invention of cheesesteak.”

1. Cheesesteak invented. Why not soft pretzels?

Suggested replacement: This.

If I had my way, “Buddy’s Watching You” would be numbers one through 99, with “Invention of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” keeping its spot at No. 100.