I am not entirely convinced it is real. I now share my thoughts with you.
THERE WAS a time when Philadelphia was among the great cities, full of charm and class.
And that time was: 1640. I have on my desk the text of a letter to the editor to the Public Ledger in 1850 complaining about residents from other cities bashing Philadelphia (specifically, calling it “The Murder City”). As you can see, nothing is different in Philadelphia now.
Growing up, I thought I lived in a terrific city with endless possibilities, and I couldn’t wait to grow up and raise a family here. Ten years later, the only thing I can’t wait to do is leave this wretched city.
Ten years? Seriously, nothing major happened from 1998-2008 that seriously made the city worse, unless you count the election of John Street. Which, eh, isn’t really a reason to leave Philadelphia and certainly didn’t make this city any more wretched.
Every day, I read philly.com to see who was killed, robbed or victimized by the shameless criminals who find solace in harming others. I then move on to see what new budget cut is under way and think of all the dropouts and criminals that will emerge as a result.
Ohhh, so that’s you in the comments!
I wonder, though: How bad can it possibly be when the most horrible thing that’s happened to you so far is “My Philly.com experience was not as good as it could have been, because all the news I specifically searched out was kinda sad.”
So far, so good. Typical media-influenced exaggeration of crime in a big American city. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for the attention paid to root causes. (Uhh, what Philly.com reader cares about that?) Here’s where I start to think the letter is fake:
Paranoia sets in, and I frantically lock all my doors and windows, double-check the alarm and read online for new ways to protect against thieves. Instead of looking my best, I opt for a style that says “bargain” as opposed to designer labels, as not to propagate the idea that I can provide a “come up” for the next man.
I must leave Philadelphia because I cannot dress well enough!
I really need to find out the URL of that Lifehacker-type blog that’s about thief protection. Man, one can scarcely count the recent innovations in that field!
I find myself running to the car, to the house, in and out of stores, constantly looking around me. What has this city become if this is what its residents have to do to feel safe?
No one’s saying this city is Lovely Fun Time Paradise, a place I just made up. But as long as you’re relatively not stupid, you can stroll along the streets of even the toughest neighborhood without being disturbed. (And where exactly does this person live? Not West Kensington, I bet.)
Why should I have to limit my outside activity in fear of falling victim to the evils of the streets? Instead of saying, “Hi” to strangers in passing, I look at them, as well as my neighbors, with the same distrustful and cautious eye. Where is the brotherly love or sisterly affection in any of these actions?
How, exactly, is it the fault of Philadelphia or of criminals that this person is rude to her neighbors and strangers? Look, I don’t really greet strangers on the street — I’m sure I’d hate them — but somehow the level of violence in Philadelphia does not prevent me from saying hello to the people in my building or the man with the martini glass who sits out front of Louis Kahn’s house or the nice old woman who lives next to my parents in the Northeast or even the guy on the other side of my parents rowhome because none of them are out to harm me and I can’t believe I’m even arguing with this stupid letter to the editor on this hypercritical Philadelphia blog.
As I read about all of the Philadelphia music greats, I imagine what it was like during the days of Philadelphia International that my uncle, songwriter Allan Felder, loved so much. I wonder what it was like to live here when artistry and love existed.
Allan Felder? Really? Didn’t he write a ton of disco songs? Anyway, man, sometimes I imagine what it was like when my uncle — who once entered (and maybe won?) a John Kruk lookalike contest — lived in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia International Records was founded in 1971. Coincidentally, Frank Rizzo was elected mayor that year. WHAT A TIME OF LOVE IT WAS IN PHILADELPHIA!
As hard as I try, I can’t imagine this city, laden with crime, poverty, despair and negativity, ever being a city of hope or love. I’m not sure where the great Philadelphia went, but I am sure that when I’m done my doctorate, I’ll be looking for a better life, away from this Philadelphia.
And here is the exciting conclusion, where we find out that our writer is going for her doctorate. And, after bashing the city for several paragraphs, complains about the negativity. There is absolutely no way this letter is real. None. This is faker than a 100 million Northeast Times letters.
Stu Byokfsky: “After sentencing, I cornered Mendte for a brief, exclusive chat.” Did he say anything interesting? Of course not. What is interesting is that Larry Mendte’s wife (Dawn Stensland) said Mendte’s August “apology” where he went on and on about how he boinked Alycia Lane and Stensland read his emails to find out and oh my God it was maybe the creepiest, weirdest press conference since Bud Dwyer inspired “Hey Man Nice Shot” by Filter. Ha ha, Filter! Anyway, I think I got off track there. Stensland said that apology was sincere and “got twisted in the media.”
Stu Bykofsky is all like, “Well of course he’s sorry, he got caught!” which is probably true.
Elmer Smith: Hey, remember that Fort Dix terrorism trial over in New Jersey? As usual, the only terrorists our government is competent enough to catch are ridiculously incompetent ones who allegedly thought shooting up an army fort would be a good idea.
More importantly, this column contains a pot joke. Can you spot it? Think of this as a stoner version of Where’s Waldo? And actually more importantly, these kinds of ridiculous informant deals and dumb pointless prosecutions have been going on in the drug war for decades. Who thought the government would wage the war on terror any better?
John Baer: Ha ha, the economy is in shambles and nobody even knows why! But they’re just going to pump more and more money into fixing it even if it doesn’t work — even if we don’t know if it has any chance of working — because, well, that’s how we do things here in America. Duh.
Update, 3:15 p.m.: Silent for 8 minutes!! Larry Mendte must have hacked the account to prevent it from updating anymore.
Update, 3:16 p.m.: Phew, back!! The tension there was so palpable I need to get a drink.
Update, 3:50 p.m.: “Mendte gets 3 years probation, 6 months home confinement, 250 hours community service, computer monitoring plus a fine.” Ha ha, computer monitoring!
Donovan McNabb will be the starting quarterback on Thursday night against Arizona, coach Andy Reid announced.
“Donovan is the quarterback for this football team,” Reid said toward the end of his Monday news conference. “I don’t want to leave here until you understand that.”
Then Reid got up and abruptly left the NovaCare auditorium.
So, ah, the media understood, I assume? That Daily News blog post also helpfully notes that the Fox pregame show “was before McNabb was pulled.”
The hot dog gun at the Phillies game was off to an incredible start to the season. At a game I attended early in the season, the hot dogs were going up to the 400 level down the left field line. We were kind of worried in left field that the hot dog gun would be aimed in our direction and kill us with its power.
But what a second-half slump! By the end of the year, the HDG’s power was way down. Perhaps it needed hip surgery? We can only surmise. Above is a faux documentary from Hatfield about the hot dog gun at the Phillies game. What’s amazing about this video is it’s actually pretty funny in some spots. The level of detail, frankly, is worthy of a real documentary. [via; thanks Diccon]
Update: At the suggestion of a friend, I’ve added the tag “Hot Dogumentary.”
“A presidential proclamation forbade Japanese-Americans from possessing specified items deemed threatening to national security. Banned items included drawings of any firearm.” (Yes, this post has nothing to do with anything. Except drawings of guns, I guess.)
Yes, today Mendte will (probably) apologize in court and get probation and maybe some community service. He could technically get up to 5 years. He’s also a convicted felon! (He still gets to vote, though, I believe.)
This morning Good Day Philadelphia had on some defense lawyer who chatted with Jennaphr Frederick for a short while about the Lane case and then went off on Alycia Lane for 2-3 minutes and listed every single possibly wrong thing she had ever done in her life. One of the things was “suing some people and wanting to sue some other people.” Isn’t that the American Dream?
After her spiel Frederick said something like, “Oh. We’re all feeling for Dawn Stensland.” Indeed, we are.
So: Sentencing, later today. Let’s root for him to get put in the stocks!
The list of players who didn’t win a championship in Philadelphia used to be an important one. Now that the Phillies have won a title, who cares!
Nobody, in a way. But it’s still a list worth updating. And yesterday’s 36-7 loss to the Ravens may not only have ended the Eagles season (figuratively), it also might’ve ended the Philadelphia career of Donovan McNabb (literally). It’s a shame.
A lot of people don’t like McNabb, never liked McNabb, but he’s been a hell of a quarterback for the Eagles. He won a bunch of division titles, won a ton of playoff games and got the Eagles to a Super Bowl.
And yet. He threw four three picks in that Super Bowl, he had some bad games in the playoffs, he says dumb things at press conferences. (I don’t care about that last one.) And he joins Allen Iverson, Eric Lindros, and so on, as another Philadelphia superstar who didn’t add “champion” to his resume.
Eagles coach Andy Reid benched McNabb at halftime, with the Eagles trailing 10-7. (If we learned anything yesterday about the Eagles, it’s that they’re just as bad with another quarterback under center. They might be worse.) With the Eagles at 5-5-1, they might back it in and start Kolb the rest of the year.
Kevin Kolb did drive the Eagles down to the Ravens inch-yard line in the fourth quarter, but ended up throwing an interception to Ed Reed, who returned it 108 yards for a score. That play epitomized the Eagles season. Not because the Eagles didn’t try to run it in from the one-foot line. (What were they going to do, run?) No, that play was special because no less than five Eagles (Kolb, Westbrook, Herremans, Celek, L.J. Smith) had a chance to tackle Reed and none did. It seemed like Eagles were coming off the sidelines to miss the tackle.
The Eagles are fun to watch when they’re bad. Bad football can be kind of funny, and the Eagles are so snakebitten hilarious bad things happen to them almost every game. An NFL-record interception return? Sure! Only one missed field goal by opponents all year? Of course.
They are not, though, fun to read about, as people (and, increasingly, a media hungry for pageviews) in this city can’t write anything coherent about the Birds when they’re not above .500. So let’s lay back, put our feet up and enjoy the rest of the season. Let’s hope Donovan McNabb can do the same.
Jill Porter: “The meticulous streets were awash in yellow ribbons during Desert Storm. It’s a matter of pride.” WHOOOO EARLY 90s! Unfortunately, the column does not mention Zubaz or Starter jackets, but I can only assume they’re all part of this, too.
Dave Davies: Was the economy really going well until very recently? Was the current recession really that surprising? Rhetorical questions for another time. More importantly, here’s what people are mad at Michael Nutter about:
He doesn’t listen to people.
He tries to be everything to everybody, and hasn’t identified clear priorities.
He’s failed to make tough decisions, like taking on the unions and getting employee-benefit costs under control.
His abandonment of tax cuts is a shortsighted, job-killing strategy that encourages the middle class to abandon the city.
Number one is probably a good thing, depending on who he’s ignoring. And how the hell is he going to take on the unions in Philadelphia? Eh, whatever, the more people who hate politicians the better.
Hey, 
Hey, everybody! Just when we had all finally forgotten about the saga of Alycia Lane, Larry Mendte and some stolen emails, 
