Abridged Daily News Columnists

Elmer Smith: Hey, we’re back to the “no casinos at all!” movement, apparently. I’m excited. It means we’re going to get some more awesome rhetoric like this:

Have you ever seen the rhetoric that goes around the gambling prohibition? You know what it is. Look, we have had a good time. We have been together yesterday, we have been together today, I have known a lot of you guys for ages. How about after the talk, we have a minute or two, let’s go on up to your room and we will play a little nickel, dime, quarter poker. Want to play some poker this afternoon? Why not? It’s a nice thing to do.

Would we be outraged if the California State Police came barreling through the door and arrested us for violation of California’s prohibition on gambling? Of course we would. Because, who is not supposed to gamble? Oh, you know who is not supposed to gamble — them poor people, that’s who. My God, they will spend the milk money. They don’t know how to control it. They can’t handle it. But us? We know what we are doing.

I’d suggest reading that whole essay linked above if you’re one of those unfortunate enough to be working today. (I’ve linked this thing about 5 times so far; I’ll probably finally shut up about it if you do read it.)

Ronnie Polaneczky: Oh! This is about the nice woman who works the gate at Franklin Field. Fun column. But check out this little note about Penn senior Ricky Choi: He “has launched his own clothing line of lacrosse wear.” Impressive. Only a Penn lacrosse player, no?

Fatimah Ali: Hey, Fatimah Ali! It’s been since Oct. 28, though there’s the very real change I simply have missed her columns before now. Hope everything is going well. Anyway, she is super angry at Mayor Nutter:

I believed his promise that Philadelphia would see a new day, although I must’ve missed exactly what kind of new day he meant. Looking back, I realize that I was too naïve.

But that’s not all!

Crooks could use some restraint and cut down on the city’s criminal-justice burden. People who litter could up their standards and not drop their trash on the streets. Safe and clean streets attract more city dwellers and can help regain the tax base that’s eroded over recent decades. Maybe we can even attract some big corporations to set down roots here and create more jobs.

“Hey, guys, could you cut down on the thievin’? Times are tough right now. Give us a couple of months.” And whenever you drop that bag of chips on the ground instead of in a trash can, you are preventing another big company from coming to Center City.

Christine Flowers: A four-page poem about how the Eagles stink! A parody of The Raven, even. Isn’t that more of a Halloween-style poem?

And, as you know, the Eagles won 48-20 last night. Fitting.