Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: This is a Phillies celebratory column probably written before the game was played. Whatever, that’s fine. Let me just quote a little bit of it.

Dingy? Crumbling? In ruin?

This, the next great city in America, glimmering with new skyscrapers?

This, the so-called 6th borough of New York because of the folks who relocate and commute there?

This, a town internationally renowned for its history, its restaurants, its hospitals and universities?

This, one of the few American cities with a thriving, growing Center City?

Ha, ha, all it took was three years for “sixth borough” to be viewed as a compliment.

Ronnie Polaneczky: Convicted felons can vote in Pennsylvania, who knew?

John Baer: Oh, yeah, Obama was on the teevee last night, too. Oh no buying up all the TV ad time for a giant infomercial is apparently Big Brother-ish!

Michael Smerconish: This is the first paragraph of Smerconish’s column:

IT TOOK me only a few seconds of my hairy-eyeball test to conclude that McCain-Palin volunteer Ashley Todd, who said she had been assaulted and branded with a politically tinged scarlet letter, was full of it. It was the same internal alarm that sounded when I first heard of the alleged Duke-lacrosse rape. No way, I thought.

Man, why do we even have courts when we can just get Michael Smerconish to use his “hairy-eyeball test” to decide everything! Also, um, it’s Christine Flowers who needlessly mentions the Duke rape case, Michael, don’t steal her shtick.