A Torturing Pro-McCain Column

John McCain is a person who has given endlessly and unselfishly to his country, a person of unquestionable good character who understands the Middle East situation as only a military man who has suffered brutal torture can.

He understands the Middle East… as only a man who has been tortured brutally can!!

Wait, what?

This comes from an op-ed in the New Jersey Jewish News, always a daily read for me, of couse! And it contained a lot of awesome arguments so I’m going to make fun of it a bit more. As a bonus, a whole lot of people are making a lot of these awesome arguments, too! Let’s go over a few more awesome ones.

He received a Silver Star, a Bronze Star, a Purple Heart, and a Distinguished Flying Cross. He has a son serving in Iraq and a daughter he and his wife, Cindy, a tireless activist for sick and at-risk children all over the world, adopted from Bangladesh.

Yes, an activist whose charity was shut down after she stole drugs from it. (I’m not quite sure why the charity had to shut down because Cindy McCain did something illegal to support her narcotics addiction, but I don’t ask questions.)

The second person in line to lead the free world is Barack Obama, a virtual unknown. The son of a twice-divorced white American woman who married two Muslim men — one from Kenya, the other from Indonesia — the junior senator from Illinois has lived in an America that has given him every opportunity.

Hey, why did you mention all those things? Hmm, it seems like they break down into two categories: Things Christians don’t like (Muslims, divorce, women, opportunity) and random foreign places (Kenya, Indonesia). Anyway, I wonder why those were the two things you picked? Eh, I guess we’ll never figure it out.

His response was to join a church whose pastor says “God damn America” and accuses the government of white people of giving blacks AIDS.

Religious leaders say a lot of things we don’t like. Priests told the kids at an assembly I was at not to masturbate. Do you know how stupid it is to tell 13- and 14- year old boys they are not allowed to act on their sexual urges? I mean stupid in the sense of futile. Ha, ha, good luck, father! Priests also said a litany of ridiculous things during sermons and religion classes.

My point is if you are going to consider religion this election, you must also consider these things about both candidates: Both believe that 2000 years ago some Jewish dude was God.

Frankly, I can’t believe Obama has gotten this far. As Jonah Goldberg suggested in a Los Angeles Times op-ed column, Obama has been scripted to act presidential. What will happen when there is a 3 a.m. call and none of his 300 foreign policy advisers is available to tell him what to do?

I have to imagine that first sentence is essentially, “The only reason he’s going to win is because he’s black.” Ironic! And true (that he’s black). Sorry, Republicans! Maybe you should have nominated Colin Powell when you had the chance. Another variation is, “Almost every black person is voting for him!” Uhm, yes, no fucking shit. You think a black person might want to vote for the first black president?

When did it become standard to assume presidents have to deal with constant crises in the middle of the night? Please. Okay, Bush had 9/11, but before that? Clinton had enough time to hook up with interns. Bush I and Reagan spent all their time making the drug problem worse. Carter? Ford? Please. Chances are, President Obama will have a largely incident-free eight years in office and retire to Hawaii to smoke pot and do blow every day. Man, that dude is gonna have the life!

It is correct that foreign policy advisers are not available at 3 in the morning unless you give them advance warning. It’s just a flaw in the profession.