Derisive Comparisons To Joe Maddon Made Easy

Above is Rays manager Joe Maddon, who you’ll probably be hearing about a lot during the World Series. He’s wacky! He’s an iconoclast! He wears wacky glasses!

And, so, as a public service to you, the reader, I’ve provided several photographs of people who you can derisively compare Joe Maddon to during the World Series.

Okay, yes, this is the most obvious one: Rivers Cuomo, Weezer frontman. If you don’t know, Weezer was a band that put out two solid albums in the 1990s and then disappeared, only to get even more popular in their absence. Then the band came back and put out a string of absolutely terrible albums, and nobody ever listened to them again. Just kidding, they’re probably richer than ever!

This should be a pretty easy comparison. Just yell or say something like, “Man, that Joe Maddon, he sucks more than ‘Beverly Hills.’” Or, “Hey, Maddon, nice of you to steal the beat from ‘Waiting’ by Green Day for ‘Hash Pipe.’” Or, maybe, “Hey, Joe Maddon, Rivers Cuomo called, he wants his glasses back!”

As you can tell from this photo, Joe Maddon is Barry Goldwater, reincarnated, if Barry Goldwater is indeed dead. Goldwater is famous for winning four or five states in the 1964 election and for being a Republican icon until the GOP decided to become the Christianity Party, only without the love your neighbor parts. We can also blame Goldwater for annoying online libertarians in some sense, too.

When Joe Maddon appears on screen, you might yell, “Hey, Maddon, how’s your brand of fiscal conservatism and militant anti-communism working out for you?” Or maybe, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… KABOOM! Looks like your team lost even worse than Barry Goldwater!” Or maybe even, “Hey, Joe Maddon, Barry Goldwater called, he wants his glasses back!”

Ahh, yes, Junior Soprano. Uncle Junior is famous for shooting Tony and a couple other Sopranos storylines I forget. His glasses don’t really work, and The Sopranos has been off the air for quite a while, but, hey, it’s worth a shot.

You might want to yell something like, “Hey, you couldn’t kill big fat Tony Soprano?” Or, “Hey, Maddon, remember when you had worsening dementia in Season 6?” Or even, “Hey, Joe Maddon, Junior Soprano called, he wants his glasses back!”

Yes, none other than Joey Sweeney, Philebrity editor, shares Joe Maddon’s taste in glasses (though I don’t think Maddon’s are quite as nice).

Here, you might want to yell, “Your team is a bad as The Trouble with Sweeney’s last album!” (Editor’s Note: It was actually quite good if I remember, but, whatever.) Or maybe, “Hey, Joe, rough night at Johnny Brenda’s last night?” (When making a joke about anyone who might in some way be a hipster — or The King of the Hipsters — one is required by law to make a joke about Johnny Brenda’s.) Or even, “Hey, Joe Maddon, Joey Sweeney called, he wants his glasses back!”

Finally, we end with Harry Potter, notorious fictional character. Harry wears wire-rim glasses in the movie (uhh, maybe), but on the book cover and in this hilarious Halloween costume we can see he’s really more of a Joe Maddon type of glasses-wearer.

Here, you’ll want to yell, “Hey, Joe, I heard Tampa Bay lost to Hufflepuff! Yeah! That’s one of the Harry Potter clans or dorms or whatever the fuck, right?” Or, “Hey, Joe, maybe you guys should be playing Quidditch!” Or even, “Hey, Joe Maddon, Harry Potter called, he wants his glasses back!”