Phillies in Phirst (Sorry)

Remember when calling Chris Coste “Chris Clutch” didn’t feel like a dirty, terrible lie? Well today and today only you can feel good using that nickname again! Coste drove in the winning run in the bottom of the thirteenth inning and the Phillies beat the Mets to take first place again. Yay!

Jimmy Rollins (remember when we were booing him, like, two days ago?) had a homer, a double, three RBIs and saved the lives of three children trapped in a burning building. Is there anything this guy can’t do?

For his part, the Phillies’ septuagenarian starter Jamie Moyer tried to take out one of the Mets by nailing him with a pitch. It didn’t work, but he did give up six runs in three innings.

Phillies rally for win in 13th [Inquirer]

‘Friends of the Zoo Elephants’ Tackle Most Serious Scandal Ever

All seems normal in this article from KYW1060 about the autopsy of beloved zoo elephant Petal. Natural causes, old age, yadda yadda yadda. Case closed, right?

Wrong.

A group from Delaware County, Pa. calling itself “Friends of the Zoo Elephants” says it doesn’t buy the autopsy results. They want to know more about Petal’s medical hisory [sic] and what the zoo did to help her.

Yes, Philadelphia Zoo, what did you do to help this elephant? Did you feed it regularly and provide it shelter? Was it given enough peanuts and things to remember?!? We must spend precious time, money and intellectual capital to get to the bottom of this, immediately!

Phila. Zoo Releases Autopsy Findings on Death of Aged Elephant [KYW 1060]

Best Quote of the Day From a Reputable Newspaper

“Some people might see a pot belly, or the ‘man boobs,’ as they say, and say, ‘Ewww.’ They don’t want to see it.”
– Frank Farley, psychologist, Temple University

Guys gone topless [Inquirer]

Green Collar is the New… Uh… Whatever

I may be three hours behind you people, but your humble guest editor is on the job. Tonight, I subjected myself to about ninety minutes of Democratic National Convention speeches in order to glean wisdom and absorb change. Here are a few observations:

- The phrase “Green Collar Job” was repeated dozens of times by several different speakers. I had heard it being bandied about casually in the past, but I think I witnessed the actual birth of an annoying catch phrase tonight.

- Your own PA Sen. Bobby Casey, Jr. sure does sound like a muppet. Kermit, to be exact. But on the plus side, he unintentionally led the crowd in several chants of “four more months!” which delayed his speech for about a minute.

- Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano was all like, “You think I give a rats ass if McCain is from my state? I hope that sucker loses, hard!” Those were her exact words, really.

- The big name Republican the DNC booked for tonight? Jim Whitaker, mayor of Fairbanks, Alaska (Population: 31,000; Notoriety: zero). Way to stick it to the other party, guys! Whitaker is clearly a bigger get than the Republican’s pick of, uh, former candidate for Vice President and current Senator Joe Lieberman (D., Conn.).

- The news media is just dying to make a huge deal out of Clinton supporters refusing to support Obama. Dying, I tell you. It’s funny to hear all the politicians being interviewed being like, “Shut up, please.”

- I apparently missed Gov. Ed Rendell speak. Did anyone see him? Did he go off prompter?

- The basic message of former Virgina Governor and keynote speaker Mark Warner: Walnuts McCain is more of the same. We’ve already heard this message 5,000 times tonight.

OK, that’s about all the news coverage I can take tonight. See you tomorrow, possibly with some words on Clinton’s speech.

Phillies Sweep Big Group of Jerks

I hate the Dodgers, a feeling I never knew until moving to LA. I can’t explain it other than to say Dodger Stadium sucks, the parking lot is the worst designed thing I’ve ever had to sit in for an hour, Dodger Dogs aren’t very good, they charge too much for beer and they love the wave way too much (three times in one game!!!). Oh, and I hate the actual team too. Especially after they swept the Phillies when they came through town recently. I sat in the stands cheering for the Phillies and booing the Dodgers, and no one even threw stuff at me. Dodgers fans suck too.

So the Phillies’ sweep of the Dodgers yesterday was the greatest thing that happened to me all week (aside from my wedding anniversary… sorry honey!). Jimmy Rollins almost hit for the cycle! Brett Myers (who stunk the night I saw him in LA) pitched seven scoreless innings! The Phillies are 13 games over .500! Sweet, sweet vindication! Woo!

I’d love to say that I am going to rub this in the face of every Dodgers fan I meet, but pretty much nobody in LA cares about sports.

Myers, Rollins help Phillies sweep Dodgers [Daily News]

Breaking: Prince Chunk Has Beautiful Teeth

Well, after reading this article about the Greatest Cat Ever™, I have learned a few things:

1. This ten-year-old cat has the teeth of a seven-year-old.

2. Seriously, it has beautiful teeth. They mentioned it like four times.

3. Human beings are assholes: 500 people applied to adopt Prince Chunk, but when they were told other animals needed homes too, most just said, “Fuck you, I want Chunk!”

4. Prince Chunk hates Mondays, but loves lasagna.

5. The national standard for celebrity status has been seriously lowered over the past few years.

Super Chunk! Pretty kitty nearly purr-fect [Inquirer]

Dan Gross: Of Porn Shock and Jonas Brothers

The God of news has smiled greatly upon me during the days in which I guest edit this blog. Yesterday, the Metro made my life easy by running an abstract drawing of an elderly woman telling us about sex. Today, Dan Gross’ column contains this headline:

Main Liners get a porn shock

It pertains to Main Line Today telling its readers that a porn website was a great place to get table settings. What a scoop!

Buried three items in (and underneath the one about Ukee Washington taking an afternoon nap) Gross mentions that the Jonas Brothers–three unfortunate-yet-undeniable big stars–will be in town. Philadelphia only gets like four celebrities a year, and Gross is more concerned with “porn shock,” which sounds like a horrible, horrible disease.

Dan Gross: Main Liners get a porn shock [Daily News]

Ed Rendell: Best Large, Fat, Funny Talking Governor Ever?

Driving home from work today, I flipped on NPR to find Gov. Ed Rendell being interviewed. As a reporter, I had the pleasure of interviewing Rendell more than a few times. I usually had to catch him at some event to ask a few quick questions because I wasn’t enough of a big shot to get him on the phone, but tracking him down was always worth it since he gives fun quotes.

So anyways, what he said on NPR can basically be summed up as this: “I’m supposed to be speaking at the DNC about alternative energy, but I’m tempted to go off prompter and tell all the dickhurt Clinton supporters to shut up and back Obama.”

I immediately thought about my own large, fat, funny talking governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s currently refusing to sign any bills into law until the state legislature passes a budget, and is threatening to knock all state employee’s salary down to minimum wage. He’s not that funny.

But Rendell is on frickin’ Eagles Post Game Live, eating hoagies and cracking sexist jokes. He probably broke the speed limit to get there, too. I never realized how lucky Pennsylvanians were to have Rendell as their leader. Man, I miss that guy.

Gov. Rendell Interviewed on NPR’s “All Things Considered” [CQ Politics]

The Metro is Into Mature Asians

From the front cover of today’s Metro:



What?

Statistics: Fast is Good [Metro]

$6.95 Sure Sounds Like a Deal

There’s a certain subgroup of Philadelphians who read the Northeast Times’ letters page for unintentional comedy. I never really understood the appeal, until I read the latest edition, which is truly a mirror into the collective soul of a nation. From a letter entitled, “He has a yen for better Chinese food”:

As a lifelong resident of the Northeast one thing bothers me — the quality of the Chinese food that the Chinese restaurants serve in our area. Never in my life have I had such horrible food.

Chinese cuisine is one of the world’s greatest, but you would not know it by the slop served at our local Chinese places. I know that what is served is considered “Americanized,” but the quality still should be there. Given the price of gas, I cannot afford to run down to Center City.

Is there any Chinese restaurant owner that takes pride in what they serve? Would you as an owner eat your own food? I don’t think you would. The big problem is that most people cannot differentiate between good quality and bad. Are all Chinese sauces over-thickened, salty and inedible? Do you really think you’re getting a deal for $6.95?

I love that this hits upon quality of Chinese food in a distinct region, gas prices, the Americanization of foreign cultures and civic pride all in one fell swoop. Expect an investigative report on the deliciousness of Asian cuisine in Mayfair to be forthcoming from the Northeast Times.

Letters to the Editor [Northeast Times, Fourth Item]