Gossip Girlfriend

And you thought I’d forget? Puh-leeze. After the first installment was such a hit, it’s clear my girlfriend and I needed to do a second. Naturally, we managed to finish it a few minutes ago. But it’s perfect: Tonight is the Gossip Girl season finale, and what better time than just a little over four hours ’til it airs to recap last week’s episode and set the stage for the end of the first season.

After the jump, a bunch of jokes youse will probably whine about in the comments. Talk all you want, it will only make my resolve stronger.

How Serena killed someone

Dan: Can I get on my soapbox for a moment?

Sarah: No.

Dan: Too bad, this is my blog. Overdosing on one line of cocaine? Puh-leeze. The problem with things like these — telling kids you will OD on one line of coke — is that kids eventually learn that’s not true, and then don’t listen to the actual, real dangers of drugs. Now I know that Gossip Girl isn’t the ONDCP, but…

Sarah: I know you love all things drugs, but they are not actually the focus of this show. The focus is clearly witchcraft. Kidding! But not really.

Dan: Fine, fine. But what a disappointing ending to the “Serena killed someone” storyline. I’m not actually all that down about how Serena killed someone. Better a drug OD than a car crash — although I’d rather she come in guns blazing, mowing down an entire gang of teenagers prettier than her.

I am disappointed that Georgina kept the video of the dude’s OD. “Oh, yes, I’m a super-smart evil mastermind” — and as you noted, probably a witch — “and yet I shall keep the tape of my criminally negligent homicide just to blackmail a girl so we can go get drunk and party! Whoooo, high school!”

Sarah: It’s true that Georgina does need some more motivation other than “Let’s party!” However, I haven’t lost hope, because I’m sure the finale will tie everything up nicely, hopefully showing us how Serena stole Georgina’s boyfriend in seventh grade, or something. But let’s focus on the positive here: Serena is distraught because she just slept with her best friend’s boyfriend, and now Georgina and this dude are trying to get her to have a threesome.

I love Serena’s ploy of distracting sketchy coke dude with his drugs when he’s feeling her up because clearly the one thing he’ll take instead of sex with her is coke. And, while they kinda wussed out on the whole killing someone thing, that weird plot twist did serve to reunite the main group of Blair, Serena, Chuck and Nate against the common enemy of Georgina.

Dan: In a later scene, Serena meets with the dead kid’s parents, and they tell her it’s all okay, because he was an addict for 10 years. Leaving aside questions of age… uh, what? “Oh, it’s ok you didn’t save my son’s life when you had the chance to, he really loved those drugs!”

Tonight’s Season Finale

Sarah: So it’s all a big showdown at the wedding that might not even happen since the parents in this show have more drama than the kids (okay, without the killing). I predict that Chuck will be an asshole (of course), Serena will punch Georgina (okay, I saw that in the clip) but not get Dan back because his trust has been betrayed or something appropriately emo like that.

Also, Georgina will disappear just as mysteriously as she came, so that the writers can bring her back when the plot next starts to lag. Oh yes, and all the girls — except for poor Jenny, who couldn’t hack it — will be revealed as witches. Then Jenny, the good (poor) girl from Brooklyn will rise up and defeat all the evil (rich) Upper East Siders, stealing all their designer clothing and giving it to homeless people and people who live in Queens. Oh wait, I forgot about capitalism. Never mind.

Dan: Hey, Ché, put down your copy of Evil Empire, please. If you want to rant, get a weekly online column or something. I would enjoy the show a lot more if it turned into the television version of From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. Actually, I’d enjoy most shows a lot more if they did that. What if the second half of the Sex and the City movie is all vampires in strip clubs? Box office gold, baby.

Previously, on One Tree Hill…

Dan: And now we move to the best part. Oh, One Tree Hill, teaching kids how the real world works, one promo at a time.