Abridged Daily News Columnists

John Baer: It’s a fake debate from Obama and Hillary pieced together from real things they’ve said. Okay.

Jill Porter: Boy, it sure would be better if politicians didn’t do politics.

Elmer Smith: You’re going to need to eat your rebate check, which will be made out of butter.

Fatimah Ali: Hey, look, Ms. Ali got a quote from an expert: Her friend! “Today’s parents are busy text messaging, instead of trying to mediate hostile situations by meeting face to face.” Uhm.

Oh, yeah, and it’s all the media’s fault: “Many parents blame media decadence for creating society’s climate of violence. I agree, but it’s still our parental responsibility to enforce censorship on computers and TV. We have the right to know what our children are being exposed to, and we have access to computer passwords and can turn off violent TV. If you flip through some of the toxic programming, it will make your head spin.”