River Stymies Fake George Washington Again

Somebody on my Facebook posted the news video of the Washington’s crossing reenactors getting pushed downstream by the current. Washington must have been Superman in order to make it across; it seems like they never actually get to cross the river due to the weather.

This Guy Should Be A Blog Commenter

In New Jersey, the top official in charge of the state’s Open Public Records Act has filed harassment charges against a critic of hers. As you all know, voicing your opinion is illegal, and so blah blah blah. Let’s just get to the funny quote and the reason for the charges:

The critic, Thomas Caggiano, 62, of Stanhope, is scheduled to appear Friday before Trenton Municipal Court Judge Louis S. Sancinito to be tried on harassment charges filed in October by Catherine Starghill, executive director of the Government Records Council,the state agency that makes sure government bodies comply with the law that guarantees access to public documents.

Caggiano — who has cited that law in pursuit of records several times and is a critic of Starghill and the records council — said the charges stem from a cartoon he sent the GRC depicting a digital rectal exam (without a penis included).

If only Alycia Lane had done this instead of allegedly punching a cop. I enjoy that this is what the guy being charged admitted to. It’s certainly, um, interesting. And confusing. Without a penis? What?

Make Fun Of Ron Paul And Get Fired From Your Job

Somebody emailed pretty much every staffer who works at Philadelphia Weekly except me and sent them an email about how my post about Ron Paul made Baby Jesus cry or something. (For reference, Anthony Clifton owns PW.)

What you are allowing is unprofessional. Ron Paul is a presidential candidate. I remember the day JFK was killed. I remember the day MLK was killed. I remember the day RFK was killed. I remember the day George Wallace was shot. I remember the day Ronald Reagan was shot. I remember the day Jerry Ford was almost shot. I am sure there is a Philadelphia way to deal with idiots like Daniel McQuade but in the mean time I feel terminating his position would be enough. If something happens to a Presidential Candidate, the blood will be on your hands and I will point out to the media you had the chance to take the article down or change it and ANTHONY CLIFTON chose not to.

Apparently, telling jokes about and linking to a report about Ron Paul possibly being assassinated by a pot of neo-conservatives is a horrible capital offense or something and I should be fired. And maybe be killed, too? I dunno. Hooray for the Internet!

Alleged Perv Priest Apparently Found Me Ugly

Oh, yeah, that priest from Ryan who allegedly stole $900k and molested three students? I was an altar boy for him.

I don’t actually remember much about the priest, Rev. Charles Newman, who was president of Archbishop Ryan High School and said mass at my parish, St. Martha. He actually never said much to us; everybody went to his masses because he said them fast.

Anyway, yeah, so: The alleged molester priest did not molest me. Hooray! NBC 10 has the Archdiocese of Philadelphia’s statement on the issue; they confirm the abuse took place, pretty much.

Washington’s Crossing Still Remembered By Losers

Yesterday was not only the annual Pagan Tree Festival, it was also the anniversary of Washington’s crossing of the Delaware, where he braved icy conditions (and piranhas) to go to Trenton, where he was shot. But then he recovered and killed the Hessians, German mercenaries who were, apparently, incompetent.

One thing they weren’t, though, was drunk, as the Courier Times pointed out yesterday. The Hessians weren’t drunk, but they sure were good people!

Fischer writes that the Hessians also were not mercenaries per se. Rulers of small principalities in Europe often hired out their well-trained armies to other nations.

The soldiers had a profit motive as well, making money not just from their regular pay, but from whatever they could plunder.

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Donovan McNabb To Celebrate 7 Or 8-Win Season By Going To Disney World

Want to boo Donovan McNabb in person? Well, you can apparently meet the Eagles QB with the Amish beard at this creepy-sounding event where you get to see pro athletes and ESPN personalities. Ooh, I want to shake Scott van Pelt’s hand! Anyway, Donovan McNabb stops a parade for some lady and then talks to Mickey Mouse. This is almost as good as a Super Bowl win.

Ron Paul: The Next Abraham Lincoln?

Since I fell back on an old standby and made fun of Barbaro and somebody got mad at me (see comments), I figured I’d shoot at another fish in the barrel and make fun of Ron Paul.

I think people actually know who Ron Paul is now, since my mom says she likes his idea of getting rid of the income tax, which he apparently talked about on Meet the Press, and a bunch of other people knew who he was, too. This is the man who doesn’t believe in evolution, which probably has no bearing on a president but still sort of creeps me out since it’s, like, ninth grade science. Does Ron Paul not believe in Charlemagne from my freshman year world history class, too?

But nothing I can make fun of Ron Paul about is funnier than things his supporters write. Libertarians have been trolling the Internet since around 2001; Ron Paul supporters have just upped the ante by trolling real life with a blimp instead. Ron Paul supporters do not like jokes about Ron Paul. And Ron Paul supporters are dead serious about Ron Paul. Bla bla bla important presidential election whatever.

Fortunately, none of this will matter because some website reports there is a neocon plot to assassinate Ron Paul!

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Abridged Daily News Columnists

Jill Porter: For some reason, I hope people are chagrined by Andy Reid’s lawyer-approved column in Phillymag.

Chris Brennan: Ha, it’s not just the West Philly El project that has SEPTA annoying people. SEPTA does it on Jenkintown rail tracks, too! Oh, and people there lie.

Carol Towarnicky: Sorry, Carol, I went to church on Christmas, and I don’t know if I can deal with Christianity again for a little bit.

Fatimah Ali: “I instinctively get mad when a homeless person approaches me[.]” It seems kind of weird to get mad; wouldn’t you be mad like every time you walk through Center City? That’s no way to have a good day.

PWD: Easing Back Into The Week With You

Yes, yes, it’s the day after Christmas. I am still groggy and still wishing it was, say, last weekend so I could sleep in. But that’s okay! I all so recognize that you are that way, too, and it is my job as an official Internet Time Waster™ to make sure you can ease into the week without any freakouts.

And what better way to celebrate a day back at work than the greatest sign in Philadelphia, Center City’s Friendly Donuts. (Thanks, Geekadelphia.) Hopefully, the sign of the greatest donut shop in the world will give you a smile to start your day. Merry Boxing Day!

Merry Christmas From Philadelphia Will Do

May your Christmas Day be as joyous as the day you heard the news this stupid horse was finally dead and you’d never have to hear about him again. That’s how it went, right?