Extended Daylight Savings Time To Doom Us All

Every once in a while, an article comes along that breaks all barriers between parody and seriousness. A reader — even a seasoned media-obsessed reader like myself — simply cannot tell if the people in the article are serious, if the writer is serious or if the article is some sort of elaborate scheme between journalist and source to make readers’ heads explode in confusion. This is one of those articles.

It’s a trick, a treat or a “nightmare.”

The government changes time.

You drive to work in darkness. You drive home in darkness.

Suddenly, child vampires and ghouls are wandering the streets before the sun goes down on Halloween.

And you spend your diminishing daylight hours changing all the clocks on TVs, VCRs, cell phones. (Don’t forget the microwave and coffeemaker.)

For the first time ever, daylight-saving time was pushed back to the first Sunday in November this year. The sun won’t set till 7:30 p.m. on Halloween. In some places, it won’t rise until 7:30 a.m.

The government says the time shift could save energy.

Area psychologists say it will also make us stressed, leave some depressed and possibly weaken our immune systems. And we might never recover.

If only we had such strong writing in the run-up to the Iraq War, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. The Bucks County Courier Times has given us a wonderful gift: The greatest news story of all time.

A friend of mine told me over IM he suspects this is a ploy by the reporter, James McGinnis of Blinky the Clown fame, to not be assigned any more stupid stories like people angry over Daylight Saving Time.

But what about the sources? Take a look at the quotes from one John Olson, of Lower Southampton:

“The changing all of the clocks in my house, including the three wall clocks, stove, microwave, TV, TiVo, DVD player, VCR, clock radio, two wristwatches, two cars, two computers, two cell phones, the indoor and outdoor thermometer and clock, outdoor light timers and security system takes about two hours twice a year,” Olson said.

“Manipulating time causes mental trauma for all the animals, from the squirrels we almost run over every day on our way to work, our pets, the cows on the dairy farms who expect to be milked at about the same time every day, and roosters who are very time sensitive,” he added.

Fortunately, animals don’t adjust their clocks for DST, so they should be okay. And, uh, I can’t even imagine knowing how many clocks I have, let alone being able to rattle them off for a reporter while I complain it takes me two freaking hours to change all my clocks. (I’ve never had one, but the TiVo has to switch for Daylight Saving Time automatically. Ditto cell phones. I don’t know how to change the clock in my cell, because it’s always set automatically.)

“Let’s say some poor citizen gets it wrong and always sets his clock ahead. After about 12 years the government will have stolen a whole day from this unfortunate soul,” he continued.

No. No no no. There’s no way this is a real article. Somebody is having some fun with the poor old Courier subscribers of Bucks County, who were shaking their heads as they read this feature Saturday morning. On a side note, anybody who could manage to miss the Daylight Saving Time switchover for 12 straight years will be dead of stupidity and/or ignorance before the government steals a day from him.

Debbie Shuster of Newtown Township is more concerned about the impact on Halloween. “I’m 49 years old and all my life Halloween has always been in the dark,” she said.

“Now, the kids will be out trick-or-treating and the sun will still be up. The lights and decorations — you won’t even be able to see them. I’m going to have all these nice little pumpkins outside and people won’t even notice them,” she said.

How did McGinnis even find the sources for this article? Did he call up random people until he found people pissed off about DST? Anyway, the government really should have checked with the all-important Halloween decorators lobby before passing this bill. Actually, there was ample opposition!

In changing time, Congress and the president ignored opposition from the National Association for Catholic Bishops, the United Synagogue for Conservative Judaism and the National Parent Teacher Association. They lobbied on behalf of children and schools.

But the government sided with lobbyists from the Sporting Goods Manufacturers Association, the National Association of Convenience Stores and the National Retinis Pigmentosa Foundation, who urged a time change.

Stop. Stop. There’s no way this is real. Somebody please tell me I’ve confused McSweeney’s with the Courier.

It is nice to know the National Association of Convenience Stores hates children and schools, though.

After a couple of paragraphs about the DST switch — occurring one week later this year, mind you — and how it’s going to make everyone depressed and ruin the lives of millions or whatever and then we get to the best closing line in history:

“People need to look on the bright side of life, even if it’s always dark out,” Rooney said.

KABOOM

A time of darkness [Bucks County Courier Times]
Dec. 14, 2006: Hopefully Philly’s Casinos Will Have Such Amenities