DIY News: Philadelphia Ranked [First/Last/Low (Whatever Is Worse)] In [Arbitrary Category] In Survey By [Random Magazine]
PHILADELPHIA — Fat. Ugly. And now [random semi-derogatory term].
“Boy, I don’t know,” said [name of random resident], [age], from [hip, but-not-too-hip neighborhood]. “I’ve lived here for [random integer] years, and I don’t think we’re [same derogatory term].”
Philadelphia may be the home of the mummers, the Liberty Bell and the country’s first zoo, but it has long had a self-esteem problem. These were exacerbated by several [recent/not recent, it doesn't matter] surveys, including Men’s Health’s ranking of Philadelphia as America’s fattest city in 2001 and Travel + Leisure’s ranking of Philly as the least attractive city among 25 tourist destinations in 2007.
And now the city is reeling again, after ranking first in [arbitrary semi-derogatory category] in a survey done in the [month] issue of [random magazine].
“Well, the editors at [same random magazine] clearly haven’t been to Philadelphia recently,” said City Council[man/woman] [random City Councilwoman/man]. “If they ever stepped foot in this city, they’d clearly see we weren’t [same derogatory term."
[Same City Councilwoman/man] said [he/she] is drafting a resolution denouncing [magazine] for ranking our city [so low/last/first/whatever fits] in a list of [same category].
“These people just don’t get it,” said mayor [name of current mayor]. “They clearly haven’t been to our fantastic bars and restaurants, our great public parks and our many good [something many cities have good ones of].”
[Same mayor] also pointed out that National Geographic Traveler named the city “America’s Next Great City” several years ago and the city has probably now moved from “next” to “current” in that category. [He/she] also pointed out [other random magazine] ranked Philadelphia first in [random good category, probably not cleanliness].
Philadelphia is also the home of several other notorious incidents in recent years. [What follows is a list of misreported or combined incidents, none of which are necessarily recent. Many of these revolve around sports. For example, it could be "Throwing batteries at Santa Claus at the Vet" or "Shooting a bottle rocket at Sandra Day O'Connor at the opening of Independence Hall" or "A stadium railing collapsing at Shibe Park at the World Series."]
The editors of [magazine] stand by the ranking.
“We certainly put a lot of thought into these rankings,” said [magazine] editor [name of editor]. “It certainly wasn’t just a way to get people to say [name of magazine] without us having to pay for it. We [researched these rankings carefully/had many people take our survey].”
Okay, now you can stop sending me this article.