Fortunately, City Not Neglecting Breasts

Yesterday, City Controller Alan Butkovitz released a report detailing how incompetent the city is, pretty much. (This is his job.)

And one of the more egregious items missing? Why, of course, a mammogram machine, which had somehow apparently been lost. It seems like it might be hard to lose one of those, but, hey, it’s Philly.

But fear not, ladies: The mammogram machine has been found; it was never missing in the first place! Hooray!

Acting Health Commissioner John F. Domzalski, appointed on Friday after a department shakeup, said that the machine, reported missing this morning by Controller Alan Butkovitz, is accounted for and operating at Health Center #4.

Domzalski did say that the Controller’s other findings appear to be true.

So, you know, we got that at least. Phew.

Mammogram Machine Found! [Heard in the Hall]
Thanks, Citizen Mom

Democratic Party Supports Noted President Killer

A recent column in The Bulletin begins with the line, “James G. Wiles is one of The Bulletin’s finest writers,” which is a pretty funny way to start a column, but it gets better.

The column is about Democratic traitors who hate America, which is what war supporters attempt to label opponents now that Iraq has turned into a giant melting pot of death. Funny, I thought the people who sang “Why Should God Bless America?” were the ones who hated America, but whatever.

Anyway, here’s the list of Democratic traitors:

For example, Wiles referenced Sen. John Kerry, who got himself national publicity in the ’60s by making totally unsubstantiated claims about American troops, and many millions believed him because he was a Navy officer. His lies resulted in getting him elected to the Senate in the most far-left state in America; his opinions were shown to American prisoners of war in communist prison camps as propaganda. Jane Fonda overtly gave aid and comfort to the enemy. Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated the commander in chief of the American military during the most dangerous years of the Cold War. MoveOn.org calls Gen. David Petraeus, while he is in command of troops in combat, “General Betray Us.” Sen. Harry Reid says we’ve “lost the war” when we’re in the middle of it, sabotaging our troops and aiding and comforting al-Qaida. The “mainstream” media networks work very hard to find soldiers and officers who will tell us how poorly we’re doing, when the overwhelming majority of our troops know we’re winning.

Oh, that Lee Harvey Oswald, noted Democratic leader! Well known for assassinating a, erhm, Democratic president! (If you believe Arlen Specter.) Yes, he surely is an American traitor who current Democrats absolutely love. Geeze, Democrats, why won’t you denounce Lee Harvey Oswald!

On Traitors And The Democratic Hard Left [The Bulletin]

Prude Neighbors Try To Shut Down Awesome Club

The photo at right may look like an ordinary boring building, but in fact it is a private sex club! Swingers go to the club to, uh, have sex, and, like anything cool in this city, NBC 10 wants to shut it down!

Reporter Harry Hairston talked with neighbors who don’t like people having sex in a building to them, because they might catch AIDS or something. To quote The Simpsons Movie, “Stop in the name of American squeamishness!” Here’s the best part of the report:

That’s right, group sex served up with a dinner buffet and a nightclub DJ. And it’s located right in the middle of a neighborhood bordering Port Richmond and Fishtown.

Mostow said monogamy is checked at the door, making room for those who want more — people like Rich Sellier and his wife, Tamela. The married couple with kids enjoys dinner at home. But every now and then, dessert is far from apple pie on a plate.

The swinging couple said they first heard of the alternative lifestyle on the radio. “We wanted to come try it out and, you know, it’s just got that little twist,” Sellier said.

Asked what that “twist” is, Sellier said, “Bring the party here and, when you’re done, you go home.”

“So, what do you say to people who say that this is wrong, it’s immoral and you shouldn’t do it?” Hairston asked.

More »

Correction Of The Day

Consumers can save money by swapping incandescent bulbs for compact fluorescent light bulbs. A story in Monday’s Work & Save section was incorrect.

Whenever there’s a correction like this, I always wonder what the original mistake was. I don’t go and look for it, because it would never be as fun as what I can make up in my head. I’m pretty sure the original mistake that goes with this correction was something like “General Trogg of the planet Melmac-2 declared war on Idaho yesterday.” Yeah. That was definitely it.

This correction also goes pretty well with today’s PW, too.

CORRECTION [Courier-Post]

Phillies Right On Pace For Late-Season Collapse

Ohh, yes, here we go: Last night, the Phillies gave up three runs in the first. Jamie Moyer, who pitched with Satchel Paige, wasn’t getting the calls on the edges of the plate as he likes it and ended up grooving one to Mark Teixeira to give the Braves a 3-0 lead.

But wait! As the Mets were getting pounded for the second straight night by the Washington Nationals, the Phillies rallied on homers by Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard and the coolest cat in town, Jayson Werth. They tied it at 4. They took the lead on a sacrifice fly in the bottom of the fifth. But they left Jamie Moyer in, and by the bottom of the sixth the Braves were up three again, 8-5.

The Phillies ended up losing, 10-6, last night, and fell a game back in the Wild Card. They’re still two back in the division. After the game, the Phillies whined about the umpire and not that Jamie Freakin’ Moyer, the good guy with the 5+ ERA, is a pitcher on this team. And they didn’t whine about the bullpen, which had been surprisingly good in September but blew it last night.

Of course not. You don’t whine about your teammates. But, really, why complain at all? The Phillies are in the final week of the season, it’s inevitable they’ll collapse. Don’t get your hopes up. Of course, the Phillies have had awful defeats before this season and they’ve come back to give the fans hope again. Up and down, up and down; it’s been like this all year. The only question is: Can they actually bounce back this time when they don’t have the Mets to beat up on?

Phils can’t gain on Mets [Inquirer]

Abridged ‘Daliy News’ Columnists

John Baer: Live from 2004, here’s a column about FactCheck.org!

Jill Porter: This woman loves cats so much she moved into a condo that didn’t allow pets.

Phil Goldsmith: Al Taubenberger has no shot at winning.

Leftovers: Fly The Friendly Skies To An Unfriendly Place

• U.S. Airways has gotten tentative approval to begin direct-flight service from Philadelphia to Beijing. Just in time for the 2008 Olympics you won’t be able to afford to attent! [The Road Warrior]

• Residents in Norristown are being urged to boil their drinking water because the town has been sent back in time to 300 B.C. through some sort of wormhole. [KYW 1060]

• According to one random dude, Penn is the fifth-worst football team in the nation, two spots behind (who else?) Temple. That’s just silly. I’m sure Penn would beat La Salle and Notre Dame. Oh, ND is first in the poll, nevermind. [The Buzz]

• The Fort Dix trial is postponed until January; I expect it to be postponed again and again and again until we forget about it. Justice! [Burlington County Times]

Sexy Female Pirate Ninja Zombie LOLCats Are Chuck Norris’ Base, Killin’ His Doods

The rest of Pennsylvania is an interesting place. It seems content to simply kill us with nuclear fallout and also they have ninja robbers.

Female ninja robbers. Out near Pittsburgh, two women dressed as ninjas robbed a convenience store. Weird, you think they’d go after a bigger target. They’re ninjas and all.

Police said the two women — one with a dagger, and the other carrying the sword — entered a Sunoco station in the 5600 block of Route 8 at about 3 a.m. [...]

“They were all covered in black and carrying swords, so it did appear that they were dressed like ninjas,” said Chief Robert Amman of the Northern Regional Police Department. “Swords, daggers could be used to seriously harm victims, so this is a very serious crime.”

If there’s one thing I know about the Internet, it’s that it loves stupid shit like ninjas. (And zombies and cats and Chuck Norris and All Your Base Are Belong To Us!) So here’s my ninja post of the day to get more and more Google hits to this site. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

Female ‘Ninjas’ Rob Richland Gas Station With Sword, Dagger [The Pittsburgh Channel]

Hilarious Asleep Employees To Kill Us All

New York’sCBS 2 — or as it calls itself “CBS 2 HD” — reports a little funny anecdote from the nuclear power plant in York County: The guards are asleep on the job! Ha ha!

Reporter Scott Weinberger attempts to scare us all by letting us know that employees at the Peach Bottom Nuclear Plant — pretty far west of Philadelphia, but close in terms of “nuclear fallout” — are asleep on the job and terrorists could just waltz in and presumably… hell, I dunno. Aren’t there locks on the doors?

The guy at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission said, “Clearly we’re concerned about what we saw,” but as you know, we’re only concerned with Lite Brites promoting Cartoon Network movies and how many more Guantanamo Bays the next president will build. But if television has taught me anything, all that goes on in a nuclear power plant is donut eating by Lenny and Carl and if there’s a meltdown Homer will manage to save us all anyway. Phew.

Exclusive: Nuclear Plant Guards Asleep On The Job [WCBS-TV]

Worst Corn Maze Ever

Hey, know what’s a good thing to do around Rosh Hashana? Well, hell, I don’t know, I’m not Jewish. But I do know something that’s not all that nice to do: Cut a giant swastika into ground!

Yes, the swastika at right was hand-cut into a corn field in Washington Township in Mercer County recently and was discovered by a helicopter pilot on a “routine maintenance mission.” A routine maintenance mission for what? To check for swastikas carved into cornfields? Because that would be a pretty hot job.

Anyway, people are blaming stupid punk kids or possibly racists. But police aren’t expected to find the culprits because the news media fucked it up:

The attention directed to the site by news helicopters, however, may have led people to trample evidence, which could hamper their investigation[.]

Huh? Did people think it was a corn maze? Please, Corn mazes are only carved into cool things, like Gerald Ford.

Police Find Swastika Cut Into Acres Of N.J. Cornfield [NBC 10]
Police Investigating Giant Swastika Carved Into New Jersey Cornfield [Fox News]