College Women To Lower Federal Deficit

The college kids are starting to trickle back into the city, and that means one thing: Uhh, birth control sales are going up? Well, I guess.

There is one thing we know: KYW 1060 reports birth control prices are going up. The 2005 Federal Deficit Reduction Act, which went into effect in January, significantly cut the discount pharmaceutical manufacturers could offer to student health centers. Somehow, this will cut the deficit so much we can start a few more wars, or perhaps care for all the babies people are going to have because they can’t afford birth control.

(Actually, I don’t know if that’s true; it makes sense, no? Hopefully college kids will just buy smaller amounts of weed and spend the rest on the pill or whatever, or wear a fucking condom, but, you know, people are pretty stupid.)

Although it’s been in effect since January, schools stocked up on medications with prefixes like Ortho- at the end of 2006. Now the supplies are depleted, and the prices are finally going up. A school paper in Nebraska says prices for “Ortho Tri- Cyclen Lo” went from $10 to $40. It’s also a college paper so it has one of these funny constructions: “This increase in price has caused many students to rethink their birth control methods. [...] junior Betsy Hills said: ‘I think this is going to cause a lot of UNO students and women in general to rethink their birth control methods.’”

Oh, and Penn apparently didn’t stock up because Penn hates its students; the West Philly school’s prices went up in January.

College Kids To See Increased Prices For Birth Control [KYW 1060]
[Image is, of course, the Plan B girl]

Phillies Win Despite Worst Call In Baseball History

The Phillies won big last night over the Mets, 9-2, in a series they probably have to sweep, or at least sweep the games Adam Eaton isn’t pitching. They didn’t get any help from umpire “Cowboy” Joe West — is he a pro wrestler or something? — who made this Tim Donaghy-level horrible call in the first inning because he was too lazy to get into position.

We’re entering the end of baseball’s regular season and the beginning of football’s, i.e. one of the best sports times of the year. That the Phillies are still kinda-sorta in it makes it all the better. Let’s just hope the umpires don’t try to screw the Phillies out of another win like in Houston earlier this year.

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Today

Ronnie Polaneczky: Sad sad sad sad HAPPY ENDING! Well, kinda, I guess.

Fatimah Ali: Fast food = more murder. Simple as that.

Monday

Jill Porter: More toilets for women!

Stu Bykofsky: Wait, didn’t Stu write he wasn’t going to use the word “snitches” anymore?

Chris Brennan: Yeah, nobody in Harrisburg wants you to know how much they’re spending.

Day Off

Yep. Be back tomorrow.

Somebody Broke Rule Number One

It’s kind of a slow news week — except for Mark B. Cohen — so the local news stations are coming up with pretty much whatever they can to report on. And so NBC 10, following in the grand tradition of multi-victim multi-offender sex cases in the 1980s and satanic sacrifices, is attempting to scare you with stories about kids in a fight club.

Fight Club was released in 1999, so the kids are a little behind on the times, it seems. But some anonymous mother says she found computer messages about it, so, you know, everybody panic! Kids fighting each other? Well, that has never happened in the history of the world until now!

Some excerpts:

• Many parents have no idea these secret clubs exist, but one local mother wants the dangerous activity to stop.
• The NBC 10 Investigators said they even uncovered a street fighting video for sale on the Internet.
• This type of fighting was first glorified in Brad Pitt’s “Fight Club” movie years ago.
• “I think that’s the problem with these teen fight clubs,” she added. “Parents can’t necessarily find out the truth about what’s going on.”
• Law enforcement said the clubs are tough to find and could be tougher to prosecute when everyone is a willing participant.

Yeah, if only we could arrest these kids and throw ‘em in juvie they’d totally be in much better shape.

Kids Bashing Faces In Secret Local Fight Clubs [NBC 10]

Breaking: President Bush Gets Eye Implants

Or maybe he wanted to look more like Daddy Warbucks — speaking of references the kiddies will get — I dunno. Anyway, normally here I’d make some sort of lame “Friday afternoon in August” joke, but this photo makes me giggle so much I would probably run it anytime.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

Ahh, let’s check the lead to the Temple News intro-to-college editorial:

As the early 90s Nickelodeon show states, “Welcome Freshmen!”

Ahh, yes. This isn’t quite nearly on the same level as the Neil Young/Philadelphia Parking Authority lead from earlier this week, since (1) this is a college paper and (2) at least the show Welcome Freshman is somewhat related to the subject at hand. Somewhat.

Hot Spot [Temple News]
Wednesday: The World May Be Free To Rock In, But Parking Is Not

Ride The Ducks To Expand, Blob-Like

Having made trillions in the tourism/plastic duck bill quacker industry, the people at Ride the Ducks are attempting to branch out, probably because when they say “I own Ride the Ducks” they get punched in the face. And, naturally, the next logical step after “duck boats” is “aquariums,” so the Ride th Ducks people are hoping to purchase the Adventure Aquarium.

The aquarium, former the Camden Aquarium or New Jersey State Aquarium or something, appeals to five-year-olds who like the word “adventure.” This makes it a logical purchase for RtD’s owners (Herschend Family Entertainment Group), because then they’ll own something in the area people actually don’t hate. (Tourists, as you may remember, love Ride the Ducks because it signed the Declaration of Independence.)

After purchasing the Camden Aquarium, the Ride the Ducks people will be able to send their passengers over to Camden, where the boats will hopefully break down and leave them stranded.

“Ride the Duck” Owners Interested in NJ Aquarium [KYW 1060]
Monday: Tourists Deserve Your Scorn As Much As You Thought

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Jill Porter: “The shame” is apparently a big problem when your kid does something stupid. Because, you know, that’s what’s important.

John Baer: Ha ha, people really care so much about shooting doves, symbols of war.

Christine Flowers: What we really need is another Mike Vick column.

Weapon Of Mass Destruction

If you were ever wondering: Yes, if a person uses a stick to attack someone, the police circle it on the ground like it’s a shell casing.

Bounced Bar Patron Returns To Give Beatings [NBC 10]