Awesomest Lead Ever

God might be ever-present but representatives from the Roman Catholic Church were auspiciously absent from Monday night’s Bensalem Council meeting.

Church absent from cemetery hearing [Bucks Co. Courier Times]

Triple Play, Hat Trick, Et Cetera

It’s the trifecta! Nobody’s hit the drug-baby-school zone in forever. I said the sport needed a new triple crown winner to survive, and perhaps this will finally bring it back to the spotlight.

Man jailed for selling drugs in school zone with baby in car [Bucks County Courier Times]

We Talkin’ ‘Bout Stoppin’ The Violence, Here

Okay, so a couple of musicians are making a “stop the violence” CD. Whatever. Good, actually. But, uh:

They don’t need to practice because they’ve been living everything they sing, they said.

Yeah. I think it might be better if you practiced. Unless, of course, you’re Allen Iverson.

Local Musicians Cut Anti-Violence Song, Video [NBC 10]

Thanks, Daily News, For Your Investigative Reporting

There are no signs from the Eagles’ brass that McNabb will be cut by the Sept. 1 deadline.

In other news, Ryan Howard is likely to start tonight against the Mets.

Donovan 100 percent sure he’ll start season opener [Daily News]

Preacher Who Sucked Cock Invites Gays To Church

Across the river in Jersey, they do have the gay civil unions, due to a state Supreme Court ruling and subsequent law passed. But not everyone is on board, and not just the Catholics.

The pastor of the Cumberland County Community Church put up a sign advertising “Help for the homosexual” at his service this weekend, and NBC 10 was kind enough to go interview him about how much he hates the gays.

Turns out — and here’s a shocker! — the speaker delivering this speech, Greg Quinlan, is gay himself. Well, okay, he’s “ex-gay,” and believes he can turn people from same-sex attraction to the Lord because he repressed it well enough, didn’t he?

The church’s pastor says, hey, anybody can be ex-gay if you just pray hard enough! “He has been set free, and because he has been set free in Christ, others can be set free also.” Yeah, yeah. NBC 10 even interviewed some dudes on the street, and came up with an excellent closing line:

“I think they should help gay people so they can stop being gay,” Joel Ortiz, of Millville, said.

“I think that’s pretty misleading. I guess, because I don’t believe that can happen,” Saida Sawyer, of Morristown, N.J., said.

[The pastor] said he is simply teaching the truth. Others, though, said his ideas of faith are filled with fiction.

Church Sign Offers To ‘Help’ Gays [NBC 10]

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Jill Porter: Two dollar signs for the letter ’s’ in the headline. Hopefully all the Daily News headlines will eventually be in leet-speak. 3aGL3S pwn C0\/\/B0yZ, and so forth.

John Baer: Our seatbelt laws aren’t strong enough, or something? I dunno.

Phil Goldsmith: The news peg for this story is, no shit, a woman who Phil Goldsmith wants to write about who has the same last name as someone kinda in the news.

Phils Win, Fans Make Futile Attempts To Catch Homer

Hey, the Phillies rallied to win on Ryan Howard’s walkoff shot last night, and they’ve won the first two games in a “must-win” series against the Mets. The Inquirer has a photo gallery of last night’s game; above, the fans attempt to catch Jimmy Rollins’ homer in the 8th inning.

Well, some of them do, at least. The woman in the black might not be close enough to catch the ball, but she wouldn’t be able to anyway. Both hands directly into the air is not the recommended baseball catching technique. Other things learned from this picture: People still wear Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirts, Darren Daulton (back right in green) time-traveled in from 2012 to catch the game.

Howard Powered [Inquirer]
Slideshow: Howard’s Walk Off HR in 10th beats the Mets [Philly.com]

Pat The Bat Popped Out Again

By now you may have heard about the verbal altercation between Phillies pitcher Brett “The Incredible Hulk” Myers and Inquirer reporter Sam Carchidi, where Myers called Carchidi a “fucking retard.” There’s audio from KYW 1060 here. While it’s not, “We talkin’ bout practice,” it is pretty good.)

Taking a cute from Dawn Stensland, Myers’ later apologized to any retards he offended. Weird thing is, Myers has had his alleged physical-alertcation-with-wife problems, but he usually doesn’t blow up at reporters or anything, except for this one mild-mannered reporter.

But who cares about that. After Myers’s and Carchidi’s voices began to raise, Pat Burrell — wearing only a towel — attempted to calm things down. Burrell is currently doing everything right. And what happened, but, whoops, the towel fell off.

Brett Myers blows (the game); screams obscenities at reporter [Bugs & Cranks]
Myers Apologizes for Word Choice [AP/Comcast SportsNet]
March 15: Retards Force Dawn Stensland To Apologize

Pa., N.J. Are Fat, But You Should See The Other Guy

Break out the standard stock footage of fat people’s jiggling bellies and giant calves, some study or magazine or something released a list of “fattest states.”

Although Philly was at one time America’s fattest city, we’ve gotten better in recent years in that pointless Men’s Health ranking, apparently. And in a report released by “an obesity watchdog group,” Pennsylvania and New Jersey are fat, but not as fat as some people. Nearly one in four adults in Pennsylvania are “obese,” and 13 percent of kids.

Colorado is leanest with a 17 percent obesity rate, while 30 percent of Mississippi residents are fat, most of them from drinking whole kegs of beer and eating entire pigs while tailgaiting at college football games or something. Oh, and overall poor people were the fattest, because the rich in this country can afford gastric bypass surgery, or don’t eat Wendy’s 10 times a week.

Pa., NJ In Middle of Pack Among Fattest States [KYW 1060]

Alycia Lane, By The Numbers

• 0 Celebrities in Philadelphia.
• at least 1 Love triangles¹ Alycia Lane is allegedly in involving Swedish supermodel Victoria Silvstedt.
• 1 Times yours truly has been quoted in the New York Post regarding Alycia Lane.
• 2 Dogs Alycia Lane has.
• 2 Husbands Alycia lane had (not at the same time).
• 3 Page Alycia Lane was on in the Post (New York, not Washington) yesterday, according to The Daily Examiner.
• 3 Channel Alycia Lane is on.
• 4 Entries on this list that are just padding to make it look longer.
• not awful Taste Alycia Lane has in dogs. (She has a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Yorkie.)
• at least 10 Blog posts I’ve written about Alycia Lane.
• 11 Photographs in the New York Post Alycia Lane slideshow.
• 103 Excluding impostors, number of “Alycia Lane bikini” comments left on Philadelphia Will Do.
• 434 Words more the Post gave the story than the Inquirer (507-73).
• 1997 Year the wife of Alycia Lane’s new beau, Chris Wragge, was named Playboy Playmate of the Year.

¹Whatever, I’ll all it a love triangle if I want to.

Co-Anchoring [Page Six]
Alycia Lane’s Love Life Bigger News in New York [The Daily Examiner]
Archives: Alycia Lane