Philadelphia Will Do  
 

Aug

23

Mark Cohen Would Like You To Know His Penis Is Not Afraid Of Itself

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Here is what’s funny: When state lawmakers say things like, “All over the country, people live longer lives because of me.” Here is what’s funnier: When state lawmakers propose a Phillyblog Day. Here’s what’s even funnier: When state lawmakers make a post about reaching a certain number of posts on Phillyblog.

Even funnier than that is when state lawmakers go through and make a list of the posters on an Internet messageboard with 1,000 posts or more. And even funnier than that is when there’s a sort by posts, descending order feature on said messageboard but the lawmaker doesn’t know about it so he goes through and calculates all the top posts by hand.

And, of course, even funnier than that is when state lawmakers tell reporters they’re being libeled because of comments on a blog that are posted by “MBC Penis” and say “I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s penis.”


The state lawmaker in question here is none other than Mark B. Cohen, Phillyblog poster and somehow a state lawmaker, who has been an occasional target of myself on this blog for posting Phillyblog threads like, “What Are The Best Phillyblog Posts You Ever Read?

And despite State Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s love of discourse on Phillyblog, he only thinks it should extend to people who are making fun of Mark B. Cohen. From today’s Metro article:

Cohen — a regular on local messageboard Phillyblog.com — has been a topic of recent posts on Philadelphia Will Do, a blog hosted by local newspaper Philadelphia Weekly. The blog’s editor, Dan McQuade, has written several humorous articles about Cohen’s posts to Phillyblog.com. [a friend of mine says he's going to sue Metro for saying I'm "humorous."—dmac]

Cohen, however, isn’t laughing. He’s posted comments in response to McQuade’s writings on Will Do, claiming to be the victim of malice and libel, legal terms for the willful destruction of an individual’s reputation often accompanied by a lawsuit. Other users of the site have responded to Cohen’s allegations with lewd, political and downright bizarre comments of their own.

“I’m not necessarily saying that I’ll file a lawsuit,” said Cohen, who views his fellow commenters as participating in the malice. “I am saying that I am being libeled.”

I don’t know where Christine Flowers is, so I’ll have to leave the legal lawyerin’ analysis to youse here. Let’s check out some of these “libelous” comments.

  • MBC Penis: “I feel threatened by philly blog and Rep. Mark B. Cohen’s penis.”
  • Chrissmari: “such is the power and girth of Mark Cohen’s penis that it actually scares itself.”
  • Anonymous: “you mean the one he fucks taxpayers with?”
  • Anonymous: “I hear it’s ribbed with per-diems for taxpayers’ pleasure.”
  • Horace Steenblatter: “hello i am a potato”
  • Sentient ATM: “and I’m a sentient ATM.”
  • Giant Munchkin: “And I’m a giant-size Dunkin’ Donuts munchkin!”
  • MBC Penis: “and I’m Mark B. Cohen’s giant, per-diem studded penis!”
  • MBC Penis Sheath: “And I am the gigantic sheath in which Mark B. Cohen’s penis lay!”
  • taxpayer bunghole: “And I am the bunghole of the taxpayers who have been fucked by Mark B. Cohen’s gigantic, per-diem studded penis!”
  • Rep. Mark B. Cohen: “The kind of hateful remarks above indicate that D-Mac has gone too far with his incessant bashing of both Phillyblog and myself. No one is forcing D-Mac or anyone else to read Phillyblog or my comments on it. D-Mac and the commenters are climbing the high legal wall of malice and should cease doing so. If phillyblog is as insignificant as D-Mac argues it is, just ignore it.”
  • Rep. Mark B. Cohen: “Thank you for helping me document the extent of the libel that I have been subject to on this site.”

Whoops! Look like those last two don’t really fit in. Anyway, as I said in the article, I may not have gone to law school, and I am an idiot, so maybe Mark B. Cohen has a case. (ALB, I’ll need your deposition by the end of next week.) Not since the Ultimate Warrior threatened to sue Something Awful will there be such a great legal battle.

Maybe Mark B. Cohen can sue me because, indeed, there is no such thing as a potato who can post a blog comment and, as far as I know, no such thing as a sentient ATM. (”You shouldn’t take out that $200. I know you’re just going to spend it on drugs, Bobby.”) Perhaps I am screwed, I will have to give Mark B. Cohen all my assets — a Nintendo Wii and half-eaten jar of pickles — and I will have to find a job more demeaning than journalist, like hooker or politician.

But The Angry Grammarian, aka Jeff, gave me a better idea. What if I’m not libeling Mark B. Cohen? And, if I’m not, being called a libeler by a politician in a newspaper certainly damages my reputation as a journalist and impedes my ability to do my job. I’m going to get the best lawyers in Philadelphia on the case. Somebody get Allen Rothenberg, The Injury Lawyer, on the phone.

Eh, nevermind. It’s only Mark B. Cohen.

State lawmaker unhappy about blog comments [Metro]
Archives: Mark B. Cohen
 
dmac | 1:19 PM | 38 Comments
Best Photoshop Ever, Idiots, Lawsuits, Libel, Malice, Mark B. Cohen, Metro, Phillyblog, Slow News Day, State Legislature
 
  1. Nicki Says: Aug 23 2:23 PM

    I’m really feeling kinda bad for the puppy in the picture.

  2. Anonymous Says: Aug 23 2:32 PM

    A. Rothenberg - 1-800-624-8888

  3. yt Says: Aug 23 2:37 PM

    When does this jackoff find the time to fuck taxpayers if he is online all the time commenting on message boards and blogs?

    On a related issue, fuck Mark B Cohen. Puppy penis having uncle fucker.

  4. rubylegs Says: Aug 23 2:40 PM

    How ironic - he threatens to sue you for libel and takes me to lunch!

    Ain’t Philly great!!!

  5. dmac Says: Aug 23 2:43 PM

    Oh, of course I knew Rothenberg’s number. Anybody who watched Philly 57 growing up saw that commercial about 57 times a day.

    He’s spruced up his message a bit since the early 90s, but this isn’t that much different.

  6. SD Says: Aug 23 2:46 PM

    So by that picture am I to assume MBC Penis has hands to hold up a puppy? Add me to the growing list of people scared by MBC Penis.

  7. ALB Says: Aug 23 3:21 PM

    I’ve been a bad boy? :-(

  8. chrissmari Says: Aug 23 3:38 PM

    I’m more concerned with the fact the man’s been in office for over three decades and has yet to make a move for a different office, than i am afeared of his penis. Inertia of incumbency or something.

  9. Citizen Mom Says: Aug 23 4:02 PM

    I fear there is not enough Ambien in the world to make me sleep deeply enough that I will not have nightmares about MBC penis AND side-boobs. ‘Cause you know he’s got ‘em.

  10. ALB Says: Aug 23 4:11 PM

    I’ll just make sure that catholic schoolgirl picture in the previous post is the last thing I look at.

    Might not work for you, though.

  11. rubylegs Says: Aug 23 4:39 PM

    to think, I actually had to explain to this guy why all this stuff is funny.

    When it’s all said and done, I think this guarantees his nomination for the PWD People Of The Year, 2007 edition. Right now, he and Barbaro have to be the front runners.

  12. dmac Says: Aug 23 4:51 PM

    How quickly we forget Milton Street.

  13. Anonymous Says: Aug 23 5:12 PM

    Larry West?

  14. Larry West Says: Aug 23 9:32 PM

    Yes?

    Oh, well, let me comment:

    If I lived in Mr. Cohen’s district, I would drop the mayoral bid and run against him instead. If being a member of the State House of Representatives involved siting behind a computer all day and posting on a blog when you could actually enact legislation to help your constituents… well, SIGN ME UP! The folks on Phillyblog will say that’s all I do, anyway, so I’m in good company!

    But then again, he has an actual job. I don’t. I’m still applying for it. Mark, I’m going to pass along the same advice a good friend gave me: Please, stop posting on PhillyBlog. Of course, I didn’t listen to him and I still do. But I would say lay low for a while and just let this go for now.

  15. Anonymous Says: Aug 24 7:18 AM

    This is fantastic! MBC has been screwing the taxpayers for 33 years.

  16. Stephanie Says: Aug 24 12:29 PM

    This guy does nothing but blog all day. Given the high demands of his “job,” how does he find the time to spend us into oblivion?

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