Thank God For PR People

Heinz spokeswoman Tracey Parsons, on the 1500-pound ketchup packet Collinsville, Ill., is building as a fundraiser.

“That’s a lot of ketchup.”

The ketchup packet will soon journey to Heinz HQ in Pittsburgh, where it will be elected mayor.

A ketchup packet that won’t fit in your pocket [AP/CNN.com]

Old Phillies Fans Somehow Still Alive

Today’s Courier TImes has a profile of two local Phillies fans with a combined 182 years of experience between them; Naomi Beaty, 104, and Lillian Halberstein, 78, share a combined Phillies passion at their nursing home in Langhorne.

One might wonder: How could someone possibly be alive after being a Phillies fan for most of the Phillies’ history? Hell, Beaty could have been a fan for about 8,000 of the franchise’s losses; how is she even alive?

Still, Beaty has only been a Phillies fan for the last two or three years. “You just see a game [on TV] and have nothing else to do with the time and you get attached,” she said.

Ahh, that makes sense. Turning to the Phillies only out of boredom should get you to 104 with very few heart attacks or manic episodes. I’m still looking for an explanation of how Harry Kalas’ head hasn’t exploded, though.

Ageless Phanatics [Bucks County Courier Times]

Local University Loses All Credibility

On Saturday, the Inquirer ran an article about Drexel’s new Second Life campus. Drexel’s new Second Life campus! I brushed it off, figuring either the citizens of the tech or Philadelphia blogosphere (shoot me) would have made fun of it immediately and so I didn’t have any obligation to post over the weekend making fun of it.

Then what do I see when I wake up this morning and search? Nothing! Somebody saying he was jealous of the move! Somebody else calling it interesting! And a blog post titled “Depression on Drexel Island” — oh, yeah, the campus is called “Drexel Island” — is actually about students learning about depression in a virtual classroom! Intentionally!

Need I mention this is about how Drexel opened a campus in fucking Second Life, home of the flying penis?

More »

‘Mall Rats’ Infiltrate Delaware Mall

I don’t think I’ve ever been to the Christiana Mall, but I’m glad I grew up ratting around classy malls like Franklin Mills and Neshaminy, because the mall in Delaware is apparently out of control.

Action News reports there was a fight of over 1,000 people at the Christiana Mall on some recent day (today? yesterday? the story doesn’t tell!). Although there was a giant food court brawl, the real story is the awesome way 6 ABC’s Lauren Wilson tells it:

People tell Action News it had all the makings of an Animal House movie. There were several brawls and a major food fight all involving up to 1,000 teenagers, but what happened here at the Christiana Mall was very real.

Two Delaware State Troopers assigned to the mall immediately called for back-up, but merchants and shoppers didn’t wait for help to come. L’Tonya Taylor says the Christiana Mall has turned into a weekend hangout for lots of area kids.

Often called mall rats¹, Bushweller acknowledges roaming, unsupervised juveniles, some as young as ten have become a concern here at the Christiana Mall. Christiana Mall officials refused to comment or even allow Action News on their property Monday morning.

Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds pretty awesome. A food fight with 1,000 people? 1,000 people who don’t wait for help to come? Next Friday I’m headed to Delaware with a video camera, a bag of tomatoes and a plan to say, “Girl, you hear what that slut across the room said about you?”

¹ Once again, the media bows to the PC Nazis in order to avoid criticism. Don’t call them mall rats. Call ‘em what they are: Terrorists.

Investigation into Massive Brawl at Mall [6 ABC]

NBA Pointshaving Biggest Catholic Scandal Ever

Although I’ve just been making fun of his Villanova background in my coverage of alleged corrupt NBA ref Tim Donaghy (right, during his career missing the foreign object in “Macho Man” Randy Savage’s tights), the shame he’s inflicting on institutions goes far beyond the Main Line. Or, rather, it also goes to Cardinal O’Hara, who the Inquirer says has been “hit hard” by the referee scandal.

Donaghy isn’t just a mid-1980s O’Hara grad, he also met (alleged, I guess) Phoenixville bookie James “Baa Baa” Battista in high school, who federal investigators also contacted in regards to the NBA scandal. Tim and Baa Baa are apparently bringing down the name of their alma mater:

Some O’Hara graduates, not surprisingly, are unhappy with the negative publicity the story has brought to the 44-year-old Catholic high school, which also produced three other NBA referees. “I think it does a disservice to my alma mater to allow the alleged misdeeds of one person [to] blacken the reputation of a school which has nothing to do with this scandal,” said Rosemary Connors, an O’Hara graduate from Broomall.

Oh, see, here I thought Donaghy was accused of fixing O’Hara games in exchange for molesting tips from Philadelphia Archdiocese priests. Whoops, my fault!

O’Hara hit hard by NBA referee scandal [Inquirer]

Brady To Make SEPTA Financially Solvent With Brute Force

Although SEPTA got dedicated funding from the state in Rendell’s new budget, it’s not like SEPTA cars are going to be used as vaults for gold doubloons anytime soon. (Now that would make a fun ride.)

In a quest for one day being able to provide that Scrooge McDuck-esque trip, SEPTA recently accepted advertising from (gasp!) liquor companies, including a pair of buses with Colt 45 wraps. This angered the Rev. Jesse Brown, who battles corner beer stores. He also feels the unfulfilled promises of Colt 45 advertisements — trust me, it does not get ‘em every time — cut into the unfulfilled promises the church provides. (Bada-bing!)

Anyway, the politicians are in on it, too: City Councilman Jim Kenney is pretty angry about it, as is U.S. Congressman Bob Brady, who says he’ll get those wraps off the buses if he has to go door-to-door himself and sell new ads:

So Brady has fired off a letter to the SEPTA board, offering to find a better advertiser if they unwrap the buses: “Unwrap the two buses, and I will help find other advertisers. I’m sure there are other people out there who would love to advertise on a bus.”

I look forward to the replacement of the Colt 45 ads with ones for heroin detoxification, expedited citizenship, Allen Rothenberg: The Injury Lawyer and, of course, VIGILANTE LAWYER, who apparently defends you outside of the law.

Liquor Ads on SEPTA Buses Anger Local Leaders [KYW 1060]
Congressman Bob Brady Lashes Out At SEPTA Bus Liquor Ads [KYW 1060]
Archives: SEPTA

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Debbie Woodell: “If Barney Frank left Congress tomorrow, gay men and lesbians would have exactly one person representing them on Capitol Hill.” This is kind of a long way to say that there are two gay congressmen.

John Baer: The GOP is attempting to get money from Chelsea Clinton’s future mother-in-law.

Chris Brennan: Dance metaphors!

Stu Bykofsky: Hey, I found somebody more irrelevant than me to bash! Also, here are some Michelle Malkin talking points.

Finally, That Damn Game Isn’t Here This Year

Philadelphia might do well, tourism-wise, with the gays, but apparently it doesn’t have much of an international identity. People are just as likely to think of the city with “little strength” from the Bible or something.

But that will all soon change, because — huzzah! — someone has formed a plan! It’s titled “Philadelphia at 30,000 feet” — it’s kinda blue and white — and by looking at the city from a spot where you can’t see it, you learn a lot.

There was even a brainstorming session!

Convention and Visitors Bureau Vice President Jack Ferguson says a recent brainstorming session turned up several strategies to expand Philadelphia’s share of the hospitality biz. Expanding the Convention Center is a priority, as well as presenting a top-of-the-line convention experience. Other parts of the plan would develop Philadelphia’s brand awareness versus cities such as Boston, and promote signature events such as the Army-Navy Game to build local pride.

The Army-Navy Game that is in Baltimore this year. Whoooo! Get psyched about your city, Philadelphia!

Philadelphia Considers New Hospitality Plan [KYW 1060]
July 16: Apparently, There Is This Thing Called The ‘Gayborhood’
[Photo via plasticbystander, licensed via Creative Commons]

Forwarded Message Of The Day

Hey, are you a good enough actor to play a nude corpse? The Wire needs you!

———- Forwarded message ———-

From: [redacted]
Date: Jul 27, 2007 11:20 AM
Subject: [theatrealliance] HBO “THE WIRE” NEEDS NON UNION NUDE CORPSES
To: [redacted]

HBO THE WIRE NEEDS ASAP
FOR SAT. 7/28/07 NON UNION NUDE CORPSES

1 FEMALE 2 MALE- AGE 18-70
$125.00 FOR THE SHOT
PLEASE REPLY WITH A NON NUDE PHOTO, ALL CONTACT NUMBERS. MUST BE
AVAILABLE ALL DAY SAT 7/28/07
AND NO PROBLEM WITH PLAYING A NUDE CORPSE.

SHAMOSFISHER [at] GMAIL.COM
OR CALL 410-558-xxxx

IF YOU HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED IN THE WIRE..PLEASE DO NOT REPLY-NEW FACES PLEASE

Hurry up and apply! And, remember, non-union; you’re SOL, Bob Brady.

SEPTA Heroically Eliminates Transfers To Save Itself

As part of its new commitment to customer satisfaction, SEPTA is getting rid of transfers in a few days. Yesterday, a bunch of people complained in vain to SEPTA management about having to pay an extra buck or so to ride on a subway and a bus.

SEPTA, of course, had its reasoning:

SEPTA Board Chairman Pat Deon says the elimination of the transfers was a condition imposed by the state to get new funding: “Harrisburg gave us a pretty clear mandate — streamline your fare collection, and we’re going to give you the money.”

Boy, I can’t think of any way to streamline fare collection besides eliminating transfers. Thanks for getting that funding in the only way possible, SEPTA.

SEPTA’s Plan to Eliminate Transfers Angers Riders [KYW 1060]