Finally, A Job For Philadelphia Will Do Readers

Geeze, and I thought you just put a statue of Mary in your window. (Also a virgin! I never knew the source of that superstition until just now. Duh.) Follow me after the jump for some of the most awesome/pathetic sex jokes this blog has ever seen — and that’s saying a lot.

According to an imported superstition, good weather can be assured through a ceremony involving a virgin, some knives and fresh, whole onions and peppers. And, no, Victoria Brumfield won’t be sacrificed.

Festival organizer Howard Freeman said a colleague heard about it in Singapore several years ago. For the past two years, it has worked in Readington. Partly because of the superstition, Freeman no longer buys weather insurance for the event, which is expected to draw 175,000 people.

Wait, so if I go, uh, short weather insurance for the event (if that’s possible) and then go sleep with Victoria Brumfield, I could make a ton of money? Sweet. Also, it’s worked twice so they stopped buying weather insurance. Good idea!

Brumfield, 28, has worked with Freeman in the past and is a devout Mormon, proud of her adherence to the church’s rules, including not drinking, smoking, gambling or cursing — and no sex before marriage.

Did you know: The nation’s first marijuana ban was made by the Mormon leaders after a bunch of Mormons brought weed back from Mexico. The question: Are you allowed to vaporize weed?

She became the festival’s official virgin last year after her younger sister, who had that role in 2005, moved to California.

And got plowed by some dude.

Here’s how she does it: She drives a golf cart to the four corners of the festival site, picks up some grass, mumbles some random words, then penetrates the produce with a knife before jamming it and the knives into the ground.

This is so sexual I think afterward she’s not a virgin anymore. Also, I am sure this ancient ritual has always involved golf carts.

It has not worked everywhere. Freeman says he used a different virgin for a festival he put on last year in Massachusetts. The driving rain broke, but strong winds kept the balloons on the ground.

Freeman said it seemed that that virgin had a loose definition of “virginity.”

That means she got fucked in the ass.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Festival’s secret for good weather? Virgin [AP/Camden Courier-Post]