Founding Father Robs Alexander Hamilton’s Bank

The news has pretty much been slow since Milton Street sang on top of a casket in March, so let’s head over to Jersey.

A dude, dubbed “The Mad Hatter” has apparently robbed 17 banks in the Dirty Jerz, including a Bank of America in Union yesterday. (Yeah, it’s North Jersey. It’s either this or trying to come up with something funny about homicides. Right.) The Mad Hatter has robbed banks wearing a hunter’s cap (like an Elmer Fudd hat?), a fishing hat, a military hat (one with the spike on top?), a baseball cap and a knit cap.

I always thought they only gave bank robbers dye-stained cash nowadays and robbing a bank was a pretty bad idea. He’s only gotten away with $60,000, which is a lot, but is it really worth the almost guaranteed jail time? But, hey, if this dude has managed to get away with it 17 times, you almost want to say more power to him.

Or, rather, 16, perhaps. The FBI has finally caught the suspect. His name: James Madison. Yet again, new information about a founding father has ruined his reputation, much like George Washington’s slaves, Ben Franklin’s 700 illegitimate children and John Hancock’s furry fetish.

Update: The recently released details:

A man suspected of being the “Hat Bandit” bank robber is an admitted killer who spent 18 years in prison for bludgeoning his girlfriend and stuffing her body in a suitcase before dumping it in the Passaic River in 1986. [...] Madison was allegedly using his current girlfriend’s 2001 black Nissan Altima for the bank heists, Romankow said.

Yep, single guys: This dude has a girlfriend and you (I) don’t.

Update 2: Better joke alert! “Somewhere, Ira Einhorn just got really excited.”

FBI releases name of ‘Hat Bandit’ suspect [The Star-Ledger]
Police: ‘Mad Hatter’ robs 17th bank [Camden Courier-Post]
Thanks, Rob