‘Punch-Out!’ Has An Apocrypha

Now that I’ve realized that it’s the drugs, stupid, I’ve decided to pander to the base a bit. And what’s funnier to stoners than unintentionally hilarious Wikipedia articles? Well, unintentionally hilarious Wikipedia articles about Punch-Out!!.

Here’s what I learned:

• “The Electronic Arts game, Fight Night: Round 2 for the Nintendo GameCube identifies this character as ‘Little Mac’, but his appearance and naming in Fight Night is not considered canonical due to the third-party nature of the product. [I didn't know Punch-Out!! had a canon. —dmac]
• Doc also utilizes his almost magical healing powers brought about by pushing ’select’ one time per fight. [I already knew this, of course.—dmac]
• “However [Von] Kaiser can still attack with his flurry of left and right uppercuts, but with any skill at all his celebration will be short lived.”

• “[Piston Honda is] the first real challenge for new Punch-Out!! players. Honda’s defense is still weak but is much improved when compared to Glass Joe or Von Kaiser. His jab and uppercuts hit hard and for an unprepared opponent his Banzai Rush Attack can be bad news.”
• “In Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! King Hippo is truly the most different character of the Video Boxing Association, also noting that he is the only character that does not have a palette swap. It should be noted however that his body type resembles Bear Hugger and Mad Clown from the other Punch-Out!! games.”
• “In Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! Great Tiger is signatured by his ‘Tiger Punch’. To do this, Great Tiger seemingly uses Sikh powers to teleport flying around the ring in circles hitting Mac with a barrage of quick jabs.”
• “Tormenting video game players through four popular games, Bald Bull has become a video game icon and has earned a special place in the world of Nintendo, most recently making a cameo return in WarioWare: Smooth Moves for the Wii.” [I already knew he made a cameo, but I had know idea he had a special place among Nintendo fanboys.—dmac]
• “Soda Popinski made his first appearance in the arcade as the ‘Champion of the USSR’ in the 1984 game Super Punch-Out!!; although back then he was known under the less family-friendly name of Vodka Drunkenski. Next he was re-christened ‘Soda Popinski’ to avoid the stereotype of Russians being alcoholics (or to remove references to alcohol altogether) and showed up on the 1987 Nintendo Entertainment System game Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, as the #4 ranked competitor in the World Circuit. Interestingly, despite having his named changed, some of his quotes (seen on the right) suggest that he in fact has been drinking alcohol.” [One of his quotes is "I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you!" Yeah, I'd say that suggests he has in fact been drinking alcohol.—dmac]
• “He possesses a vast array of jabs, hooks, and uppercuts, and his unique timing can easily confuse players. Sandman also features outstanding defense. In the SNES version of Super Punch-Out!!, Mr. Sandman’s range of attacks was somewhat standardized, making for less of a challenge, but he still retained his defensive prowess; he is the only fighter in the game who can guard himself while stunned. He is possibly inspired by the Philadelphia-raised Joe Frazier.”
• “In the picture during profile mode in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, Super Macho Man is tanned and has grey hair. But in the actual game, he has pale skin and black hair. This inconsistency in appearance only occurs in the NES version.”

Wait. Sikh powers?

List of Punch-Out!! boxers [Wikipedia]