Philadelphia Will Do  
 

Jul

13

Fear & Loathing: A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Use

Mills

On occasional Fridays, a nameless — for obvious reasons — PW staffer writes about her experiences working at Pennsylvania’s number one location for sneakers and slow walkers, Franklin Mills. This week, it’s all about education.

As a general rule, I try not to judge my coworkers for their lack of education. (Because, honestly, there’s so much more to judge them for: Their sexual misconduct, the way they mispronounce the names of commonly known restaurants such as Buddakan, the fact that they think “Franklin Mills” is an actual township within Philadelphia.) School isn’t for everyone. Case in point: the assistant manager at my store.

A few weeks ago, she decided that she was going to get her GED through mail. I am totally unfamiliar with this process, so I thought she was joking when she told me that she had to complete a bunch of multiple-choice questions in books and then mail the books back. She wasn’t kidding. It’s seriously that easy.


So, last week I arrived at work to see her hunched over the counter, her brow furrowed and furiously gnawing on her lower lip. She was surrounded – literally surrounded – by textbooks and index cards and highlighters. I wasn’t actually concerned, but I figured I would be polite and ask.

“These tests are just so hard,” she whined.

It was so pathetic that I genuinely felt bad for her, so I agreed to help her. As I wandered around the store aimlessly pretending to straighten up plus size lingerie, she would ask me the questions that baffled her the most. Some real toughies.

Question #1: Who was the first person in space?

My Answer: Alan Shepherd.

Question #2: What war is the 38th Parallel associated with?

My Answer: Korea.

(This one is my favorite, because it isn’t even asking for a definition; the test people just want to make sure you’ve heard of it.)

Question #3: a2 + b2 = c2 is also known as the…

My Answer: Pythagorean theorem.

This went on for eight fucking hours. When she finally finished, she hugged me and said, “God, you are so smart. You should try out for Jeopardy!”

Editor’s Note: The WHAT parallel?
 
dmac | 2:09 PM | 9 Comments
Fear & Loathing In Franklin Mills, Franklin Mills, GED, Knowledge
 
  1. GFC Says: Jul 13 3:01 PM

    go to fucking retail church where you belong and stop talking about malls.

  2. firepixx Says: Jul 13 4:54 PM

    Would it be wrong for me to note that Yuri Gargarin was the first person in space- Shepard was the first American in space.

    Did she pass? ;-)

  3. GFC Says: Jul 13 5:28 PM

    go to fucking church where you belong and stop talking about astronauts.

  4. Dave Says: Jul 13 6:12 PM

    Looks like our anonymous correspondent been hired?

  5. GFC Says: Jul 13 8:59 PM

    go to fucking church where you belong and stop talking about hiring.

  6. GFC Says: Jul 13 9:08 PM

    go to fucking church where you belong and stop talking about being hired.

  7. Jordan Says: Jul 13 9:52 PM

    I hope s/he was.

    This article was fucking hysterical!!

  8. GFC Says: Jul 13 10:15 PM

    go to fucking church where you belong and stop talking about things being hysterical.

  9. oatmeal Says: Jul 15 2:19 AM

    firepixx: that was my first thought. i hope her boss doesn’t fail by one question. otherwise the intellectual giant PW staffer will be responsible for someone FAILING THE GED.

    kudos, kid. I’m sure you’re still smarter than your manager, even if you missed one of the three out of “eight hours”‘ worth of simple questions that you actually decided to share.

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