Philadelphia Will Do 1776: Get A Load Of These Idiots

Hey, did you hear what these rubes did earlier today? A bunch of idiots claiming to be a “Continental Congress” got together and decided to write a Declaration of Independence from England. Yeah, these guys think we can actually defeat the British! I mean, I hate fat ol’ King George III too, but do you really think a bunch of colonists like us can defeat the greatest army in the world? You know what happened to the Spanish Armada, right? Sure, we all gave those Brits a whipping last year up in New England, but there’s no way we can actually defeat the British in a real war.

We even had some support across the ocean until these idiots attempted to invade Canada. Yeah, good idea, let’s all be violent numbskulls and attempt to capture an area populated almost entirely by French people.

The text of the document is equally pretentious. Check this out:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Wait, don’t all these guys own slaves? Yeah, we hold these truths to be self-evident, except for the people we own. Ha ha! It’d be a knee-slapper if it wasn’t so sad. Also, what’s with all the random capitalization? Every other word in this document should be followed with [sic].

Okay, so the rest of it isn’t so bad. It’s actually a pretty funny list of all the shitty things King George III has done, and I would love to see the look on his face when he finally reads it. Maybe then I can finally get all of these troops I’ve had to quarter in my house.

That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do.

I agree we should be able to form our own country, but what’s with “Power to levy War” first as the things we want to do as a free nation. “Whoo! We’re free! What do we do now?” “Let’s invade Canada again!” Damn, these pretentious fathers trying to found a country do everything in their power to piss me off. They’re absolutely right about King George and they annoy me nonstop anyway. What else are they going to do if we actually manage to defeat the British: Begin collecting an income tax! (Okay, okay, that’s too stupid even for them.)

And our mayor. My God! Did you hear he’s already in line for an iPhone? I don’t even know what a phone is!

Update: Oh, yeah, and nobody’s signed it yet, except for John Hancock, whose signature is roughly the size of a small house.