A Week Off And Nothing Changes

If you’re wondering, I took a week off from blogging because if I didn’t take a break soon I’m sure my brain would have melted into a goo of some sort. This might happen anyway, but I’d like to try to avoid that kind of PR nightmare for my death. But just because I wasn’t blogging doesn’t mean I didn’t take notice of the news last week.

There were a few news stories I almost thought about getting off my ass and writing about. I mean, some dude stole about 20 manhole covers, and he was 38! The cops managed to catch him by doing a stakeout, presumably in the sewers under manhole covers. “Okay, here’s manhole number 21–” “Gotcha!”

I also really enjoyed the Inquirer’s coverage of Wizard World, which included the photo at right. Being a nerd, I played quite a few Final Fantasy games when I was younger and, uh, what the hell have they done to Final Fantasy? Did I ever know any girls who dressed like that when I was 15? Hell, fuck that: Did I ever know any girls who dressed like that and played Final Fantasy when I was 15?¹

Anyway, when I last played a Final Fantasy game, the characters all pretty much looked like this:

Well, that is an FF character, but it’s not representative. Usually, they looked like regular people, only more pixelated. Also some of the characters just had little stubs instead of hands. It does make sense, though. Now that the Internet has brought widespread attention — and encouragement! — to people who sexualize, say, Donkey Kong and Erin Esurance and make cartoon porn of them², it only makes sense a video game company would make “sexy” characters so they can sell action figures or whatever years after the game has been released.

It wasn’t all manholes and sex (ha ha) last week, though. No, Larry West continued his assault on the Philadelphia political establishment by sending out Myspace bulletins every three hours or so.

Speaking of the Internet, Philly.com offered a short reader survey last week. I took it, wanting to help Philly.com know what advertisements they’d like to see. That was an actual question, somewhere in the 40s. Oh, yes, also: This survey had ninety-nine questions (but a bitch ain’t one).

The number one story of the week, though, was Stu Bykofsky’s column about the Match.com rapist trial.

In case you missed it, Jeffrey Marsalis was acquitted of all the rape charges but found guilty on two sexual assault charges. (He’s also facing rape charges in Sun Valley, Idaho, and was acquitted on similar Match.com rape charges last year. Wow, it’s amazing this guy keeps getting arrested for crimes he didn’t commit! Also, it’s nice Match.com let him back onto the site.)

Byko’s column even topped Christine Flowers’ “those bitches had it coming to them” opus from the week before. (Flowers’ column even warranted a second one, where she attempts to convince her readers she’s right by belittling their intelligence. Also, the Duke rape case, which really has a lot to do with the Match.com rapist.)

Anyway, Byko’s column about Marsalis was really an interview with Harry Jay Katz, his fellow senior citizen and one of the guys who frequently makes it into Dan Gross’ local gossip column. Byko’s column came from an old comedy axiom: There is nothing more hilarious than two old men joking about

In a post-verdict conference, Marsalis’ attorneys referred to him as a “playboy.” [...]

Katz says, “A playboy doesn’t sit at his computer and go on Match.com. A playboy would present himself at a bar or a great restaurant in Philly or anywhere and take a look at the potential quote-’dates’-unquote he may pick up.”

Using BS and lies and even liquor is fair. “Caveat emptor,” he says.

“We have all pushed a woman into having that one more drink,” Katz says. “Why? Because it loosens her up.” [...] [The Judge] He owes it to the victims, and even to real playboys, to max out Marsalis.

Wokka wokka wokka! Yes. Let’s sentence Marsalis to 20 years because any lesser sentence would be unfair to Harry Jay Fucking Katz, who pushes women to have an extra drink so he can take advantage of them! Ha ha!

More importantly, though, is the thought of Byko and Harry Jay Katz having sex. Look: Good for you, guys, You have sex. Congratulations. But don’t tell us about it.

Editor’s Note: The Match.com profile has been edited to protect the poor non-playboy’s identity.

¹ If you’re wondering why all my rhetorical questions seem to come in threes, there are two reasons: (1) A high school English teacher of mine always said they should come in threes, and (2) I’m a shitty writer who has to use rhetorical questions because he hasn’t brushed up on The Elements of Style in a while.

² Donkey Kong likes Erin Esurance to wear a strap-on and assfuck him.³ Hey, who am I to question a fetish?

³ Dear God: Please let this be the first (and only) time this sentence has been written. Love, Dan.