Fear & Loathing: The Mile-Long Club

Each Friday, a PW intern who would — for obvious reasons — like to remain nameless, shares her experiences working at Franklin Mills.

This week, I spent 45 minutes listening to my coworker have phone sex with her imprisoned boyfriend (as opposed to her live-in boyfriend, her baby’s daddy and the girlfriend that she “platonically” makes out with every weekend).

After one-handed sexcapades weren’t enough to satisfy her boo, she put the horny little prisoner on speaker phone so that she could use both hands to feel herself up – in the middle of the store. I can only assume that this was per his request. (I would also assume that this sort of thing would unnerve most customers, but since Franklin Mills is riddled with debauchery, people passed by without so much as a second glance toward the salesgirl moaning in the middle of the mall.)

When I realized that she’d moved from just talking about sex to actually… doing stuff, I decided that this was the ideal time — perhaps the most ideal time ever in the history of timekeeping — to beat the half-broken CD player until it functioned well enough to drown out phrases like “Which finger are you using?” and “Are you tweaking or biting?” After smacking the damn thing with a ruler for five minutes, the CD player, through some magical electronic miracle, regained the ability the play music. I praised the Retail Gods.

I then discovered the only disc in the entire store was “NOW That’s What I Call Music 5″ — which includes such lyrically and musically brilliant tracks as “Lucky” by Britney Spears and “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” by Aaron Carter. I cursed and seriously considered breaking the CD in half and using the sharp edges to slit my wrists.

The evening culminated after they finished phone fucking, when my coworker and her boyfriend simultaneously put on “The Reason” by Hoobastank and sang aloud to each other.

I wish was exaggerating this, but unfortunately, this was just another typical night at the Mills.