Meet America’s Next President

Just like the Philadelphia mayor’s race had Queena Bass and Jesus White, the U.S. presidential election next year will also have its share of wacky candidates.

Actually, it’ll have a lot more, and we already have a somewhat local wacky candidate! Meet Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, the presidential candidate from Point Pleasant, N.J.

Sharkey also ran for Minnesota governor in 2006, but his campaign was derailed when he was arrested on felony charges from Indiana. (One of the charges had apparently been dismissed before but nobody noticed.) He’s even already filed to run for president. Reporter Tristan Schweiger:

His platform also includes harsher punishment for criminals specifically, impaling terrorists, pedophiles and rapists. And he would certainly be the first person of his particular religious beliefs a Sanguinary Satantic vampyre and Hecate witch to hold the highest office in the land.

“You want the criminals to live in fear, then put somebody in who’s going to scare them. Not someone who they’re going to mock and laugh and say, ‘Don’t forget your Geritol!”‘ said Sharkey, 43, of Point Pleasant, who is also a professional wrestler.

One-hundred and seventy people have already applied to run for president in 2008, according to the FEC. Our Point Pleasant impaler had this to say about religious freedom: “As president, that’s an impaleable offense. You’re getting impaled if you discriminate against someone’s religion.”

Despite his progressive ideas, Jonathon hasn’t attracted much support. The first comment to the story about his candidacy:

This is sick. I’ve been a witch my whole life, and one of the very first things we’re taught is never to hurt ANYONE, for whatever reason.

Of course, this guy identifies himself as satanist, which is a sort of opposite christian thing. Calling your average witch a satanist would be like calling your average catholic a member of the KKK.

He doesn’t represent ANY witches, no matter what he says.

‘Impaler’ looks toward White House [Camden Courier-Post]