Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Christine Flowers: Out of touch!

Earni Young: Fun fact: “[M]ore than 10,000 people are jammed into the blocks between Arch and Vine streets, from 8th to 11th streets.”

Jill Porter: Yes, kids attacking teachers does cause damage.

Happy Birthday, Zombie Barbaro!

You won’t believe what is Sunday is: That’s right, it’s Barbaro’s birthday! Despite the fact the horse died in January, he’s still alive in the hearts of people posting on Internet messageboards, and this Sunday there will be a big celebration for the horse at Delaware Park. I can only expect Barbaro to rise from the dead on this fateful day, but I guess we’ll just have to wait.

“Just be warned,” said fan Sharon Crumb. “It’s going to be very emotional. I don’t think there’s going to be a dry eye.”

“I can’t let Barbaro go,” a choked-up Crumb said. “I won’t let Barbaro go.”

If you remember back to the Field Guide To Barbaro Messageboard Factions, you’ll know that this horse who won one important race and didn’t finish in the other (and didn’t even run in the third) made people cry a lot directly after his death. In fact, this post below, speaking in the voice of Barbaro, made people cry, too:

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Breaking: Jon Corzine Declares Self Messiah

Jon Corzine didn’t give any interviews yesterday, but he did allow himself to be photographed by an Associated Press photographer. Fortunately, he’s out of the ICU, looks pretty good, and hopefully he can recover and move on and buckle his seatbelt or whatever.

He will, of course, since he’s apparently the second coming:

“I’m the most blessed person who ever lived,” Corzine told an Associated Press photographer taking his picture at Cooper University Hospital in Camden.

Pfft. Clearly, Corzine has never heard of Barbaro.

Corzine shows he isn’t flat on his back [Inquirer]

Leftovers: Katz As Katz Can

• Michael Tremoglie’s recent column contains the following phrases: “liberal mainstream media eagerly reported the Democrats every word without critical examination,” “such conduct by ITT could possibly be treasonous,” “The Bush White House is not even in the same league as the Carter White House,” “Hatfield Phillies Franks Dollar Dog Day.” Okay, I made up that last one, but the others are true. [Evening Bulletin]

• Sam Katz isn’t saying he’s running, but he’s not saying he’s not running! Fortunately, he’s still tap tap tapping away at his blog and also apparently reading this one or Technorating “Sam Katz” every 15 minutes. [Inquirer]

• Carol Campbell has apparently already worked her magic! T-Wald reports all but one lunch truck at the Penn Relays was shut down. He’s also done a nice job of blogging the Penn Relays all day. (But, ah, I can’t, like, make fun of the Jamaican high schoolers, really. Can I? Oh, wait. Sweet, I have a post for tomorrow.) [Soft Pretzel Logic]

• Speaking of the Penn Relays, some dude wrote a very well done preview of them in the Daily News yesterday. [DN]

Road To 10,000 Losses: Phils Go For Six

Road to 10,000 Losses is a countdown to the Phillies’ 10,000th loss, coming sometime later this year. With a five-game winning streak, the Phillies still stand at 9966 losses, only 34 away from 10,000.

The Phillies have been on a bit of a tear recently, winning five straight and improving their record to 9-11. They’ve hit six homers during the streak and the much-maligned bullpen has a 1.38 ERA during the last five games. Morning Glory fan Chase Utley went 5-for-5 last night.

Now, these wins have come against three subpar teams, the Reds (2), Astros (1) and Nationals (2). But, hey, a win’s a win, and the Phils have five games left in April to attempt to get to .500.

The Phillies go for a series sweep and third-straight series win (duh, they already won the series) with 23-year-old Cole Hamels on the mound, who had 15 strikeouts in a complete-game win last Saturday.

Yes, it’s a day game, and the Phillies are still not at 10,000 losses, so you know what that means: Liveblogging! Head after the jump for Chris Wheeler jokes, references to old Phillies you forgot were on the team and, hopefully, Ryan Howard home runs.

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Giant Mascot Holds Press Conference

An interesting press release arrived today from one Tommy the Loan Shark, who is holding a press conference outside City Hall at 1 p.m. today. Which means: Crap, I missed it.

Well that sorta screws up this post, doesn’t it? Oh well. Let’s just continue. I’m not quite sure how Tommy types with his little fins, but he does, apparently, go by “Tommie” now and not “Tommy.” Here’s the release (I especially dig the exclamation point after “PRESS RELEASE”):

—— Forwarded Message

From: Tommie Shark
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2007 16:13:18 -0500
To: People
Subject: PRESS RELEASE: Press Conference at CITY HALL TOMORROW!

PRESS RELEASE!

FROM: TOMMIE THE LOAN SHARK

TO: ALL REPORTERS AND CITIZENS

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Rendell Gives Greenlight To Speeding

Way back in 2004, the Daily News broke the story Ed Rendell had been clocked going over 100 miles per hour in his limo several times. (This led to a running Joe Conklin gag, who had the governor saying things like, “I’m gonna leave East Falls at 12:15, and make to Pittsburgh by quarter-to-one for the game.”)

Rendell apologized (I guess) back in ‘04 and later a state police probe — of course! — said Rendell’s driver should only speed when it was an emergency. While he may not be clockin’ 100 mph anymore, he’s sure driving faster than 55. The guv told the Patriot-News, “I’ve told my troopers that I don’t want them exceeding 80 unless they need to pass or unless there’s some real exigent circumstance.”

Sweet! Eighty! Rendell then laid down this bombshell:

“We do the appropriate speed,” Rendell said. “Sometimes we adhere to the speed limit, sometimes we don’t. On many of Pennsylvania’s highways, if you adhered to the speed limit, you’d be a safety hazard.”

You see? The governor is authorizing speeding. Just, y’know, don’t go above 80. Seventy-five is safer than 55, but 81 is just plain dangerous.

Sometimes Rendell feels need for speed [Patriot-News]

Curt Schilling Should Be On Mount Rushmore

Noted loudmouth and ex-Phillies pitcher Curt Schilling famously pitched Game 6 of the ALCS in 2004 with a hurt ankle, which also famously bled through his sock. The win helped the Red Sox rally from a 3-0 deficit to upset the Yankees and eventually won the World Series.

Last night, during a game, announcer Orioles announcer Gary Thorne made an interesting comment during the Baltimore-Boston contest: It was actually painted on! But of course! I’ve actually heard that rumor before, but it doesn’t make much sense; it’s not like his ankle wasn’t hurt, it’d be pretty silly to actually paint on fake blood just to make yourself look tougher.

The Red Sox denied it; the guy Thorne said told him about it says he doesn’t even know Thorne, etc. But the best comment comes from Terry Francona, the Phillies manager who successfully guided the team to a 65-97 record in 2000:

“What we’re going through today as a nation, you hate to use a word like heroic on the field, but what Schill did that night on the sports field was one of the most incredible feats I ever witnessed,” Francona said. “[Thorne's remarks] go so far past disappointing. Disrespectful to Schill, to his vocation. I’m stunned.

“I am just floored. Schill takes his share of shots, and this one is so far below the belt that I’m embarrassed and I wish somebody would have had the good conscience to ask me. I saw the leg. If that had been painted, I wouldn’t have had my knuckles so white, and having so much anxiety.”

“I don’t want to say Schilling’s a hero, but, man, he makes the people on Flight 93 look like pussies.”

Schilling’s sock called into question [Boston Globe]

Knox Attacked For Goombah Affiliation

Appropriate since — as you undoubtedly know if you have a TV, or have passed by a TV store, or you know someone who has a TV — he worked odd jobs, left home at 16 and joined the Navy, a group of Philadelphians are attempting to Swift Boat Tom Knox.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a 527 political action group, attacked John Kerry in 2004 for… I dunno. He hated the Vietnam War or something, which was America’s greatest and most successful war after the War on Drugs. Or apparently he killed Vietnamese children and drank their blood. But, anyway, people bought it, even though the Swift Boaters weren’t exactly telling what we like to call “the truth.”

The anti-Knox group is headed up by Alex Talmadge, who apparently stood in for Bob Brady at a forum recently. It’s called Economic Justice Coalition for Truth. (Note: not all 527’s have to be “for Truth.” Sometimes they’re for lying.)

But the Swift Boat story doesn’t mean the Tom Knox 527 is going to lie or anything, as these groups can — amazingly — attack candidates for things they actually did. As you may know, Tom Knox was poor until he robbed poor people of their money, then he got rich. Or maybe he stole the Liberty Bell and sold it on the black market. Oh, here it is: He headed up a bank that made payday loans, which charge like a billion percent interest. And the new scandal is he keeps a guy on payroll who was a convicted felon.

Knox, a multimillionaire businessman, said he still keeps David S. Fishbone on his personal payroll three years after Maryland insurance regulators fined his company $125,000 for employing the disbarred lawyer as a compliance officer for Fidelity Insurance, a company he bought in 1999 and sold in 2004.

Because if there is one thing the public won’t stand for, it’s convicted felons working as compliance officers for insurance companies! However, the always great Kate Philips, Brady’s spokeswoman, chimed in: “Cronyism got him into that mess. He took one of his old goombahs and gave him that job.”

Political group targets Knox [Inquirer]
Knox defends hiring of felon at his Md. HMO [Inquirer]
We said the Swift Boats were coming [The Next Mayor]

Guards, Inmates To… Reunite?

You guys really better clear your calendars Sunday. At 2:30 p.m., there is perhaps the greatest event of all time: The Eastern State Penitentiary Alumni Reunion.

Apparently, some of the former guards and inmates of Eastern State aren’t all that old, and, as it says on the Eastern State website, “People are sometimes surprised to find that many of Eastern State’s former officers and inmates… enjoy returning to the cellblocks to remember old times.” Yes. Yes, you could say I am a bit surprised by that.

The ex-guards and inmates are going to be speaking, probably about all the wacky times they had. And here I thought Eastern State was a mental illness-causing hellhole, when instead it was apparently the prison from Naked Gun 33 1/3. Ha ha, remember the scene where O.J. Simpson catches all the babies while doing a touchdown dance?

ESP Alumni Reunion [PhillyFunGuide]
Events [Eastern State Penitentiary]