Lawmakers Think They Suck As Much As We All Do

With America pretty much failing at every war it decides to join nowadays — Iraq, Afghanistan, drugs, literacy, obesity, etc. — it appears lawmakers have decided to, much like the rest of us, give up.

Case in point: The new bipartisan proposal asking Americans to pray every day. Nothing wrong with praying every day, but when the head of the Congressional Prayer Caucus, J. Randy Forbes, says he wants to “build a spiritual prayer wall around America” that will not stop “until God heals our land,” well it appears Congress has outsourced illegal immigration to God.

(Well, how else do you explain the “spiritual prayer wall”?)

There’s even a website, prayercaucus.org, where one can sign up to pray for America and hope God’s able so solve all the problems in the world since politicians obviously can’t.

Of course, since this is Congress asking us to pray, I expect the United States to be destroyed by a giant flood in the next couple of days.

Lawmakers want Americans to pray 5 minutes each week for the nation [Camden Courier-Post]

City Council To Improve Citizens’ Lives Again

Pop quiz: What laws, exactly, has City Council passed in the past, say, two years? If you’re like me, you can think of four:

• The smoking ban, banning smoking in all bars, except the ones that applied for a waiver, yet banning smoking at all outdoor cafes.
• The trans fat ban, giving the city’s restaurants a year or so to stop cooking with trans fats.
• The ban on blunt-style cigars and any other object that could be conceivably construed as marijuana paraphernalia. (This one was thrown out by the courts earlier this month.)
• And, finally, a law helping old ladies cross the street

Can you think of anything else? Not me. (Council overrode the mayor’s veto last week, but it was about pensions.)

Well, there’s a hot new law coming out of City Council, and you’re gonna love this one.

More »

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Michael Smerconish: Oh no we need the elephants at the zoo or else my children won’t be able to stop the liberals!

Stu Bykofsky: City Councilwoman Donna Reed Miller has a horse in her backyard in Germantown.

Phil Goldsmith: Who’s in charge in this city? Nobody knows!

Well, That’s One Way To Get Out Of A Ticket

Sources told NBC 10 yesterday a Philadelphia police officer is under investigation for sexually assaulting a man he stopped for a traffic violation.

This news came just a day after police officer Thomas Gitto was arrested for rape for allegedly having sex with a teenage girl for a year and and a half. The other police officer is simply being investigated, but police sources say the man is in the 92nd district and engaged in a sex act sometime after pulling a man over.

The male occupant of the car told the police later after the incident and gave them some type of evidence. I don’t think anybody wants to know what that evidence was.

Police Sources: Traffic Stop Turns To Sex Assault {NBC 10]

Apologies For The Afternoon

No, I haven’t already been fired; there were some technical difficulties that prevented me from posting (or fixing the typo in the headline of the previous post) this afternoon.

Also, two members of my party died, another has cholera and then a thief stole our last bullet (above), so we can’t shoot pixelated deer for food. I don’t even know if I’m going to have enough to take the toll road at the end. I’ll be caulking up the wagon all night!

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Camden School District Lays Off All Dead Employees

Hey, remember when a Camden school was charging kids to attend field trips even though the Board of Education paid for the trips in full?

Well here’s something a tiny bit better. Auditors hired by the state reported in January the school district had been paying people to teach after they had died. The district denied this charge yesterday, saying it was simply due to sloppy record keeping.

However, to make sure it doesn’t happen again/never happens, the school district has a plan:

The names of dead employees will be removed from the payroll database within 24 hours of notification.

Problem solved.

Camden schools: No dead people paid [Inquirer]
Did Camden Schools Rip Off School Kids? [1010 WINS]

Rick Santorum To Get Fat, Make Movies

It may be hard to believe on some levels, but despite losing his U.S. Senate seat to Bob Casey, Rick Santorum still got 1.6 million votes last November.

That’s a pretty sizable audience for the former U.S. Congressman, which only means one thing: Cha-ching! And what better way for a candidate losing a high-profile election to get back into the race than by making a documentary?

Yes, Santorum is hoping to capitalize on the success of such recent documentary filmmakers as Michael Moore, Al Gore, whoever made Spellbound and other filmmakers not pompous enough to put themselves in their own movies. The ex-Senator told the Allentown Morning Call (duh) he is planning on releasing not one but two docs sometime in the future. And as we all know from Gore’s and Moore’s recent efforts, Santorum must all gain approximately 150 pounds in order to really make a good documentary.

Both films are still in the planning stages and don’t have the necessary funding (yet). His first documentary, planned to be about an hour long, will look at the relationship between radical Islam and the “radical leftists in various countries around the world,” because the left really wants the whole world to live under sharia law.

The second doc will “change the culture of America.” I expect to be moving to Virginia and sending my seven kids — I’ll also have to, uh, find a wife to pop those babies out — to a cyber charter school in Pennsylvania after seeing this film.

“Politics and political dialogue has some impact on America but changing the culture has a much bigger impact,” Santorum said about his new role outside the public sector and his push to make documentaries. “That is what the left is doing and doing it in a big way, producing a lot of left content for Hollywood, and even not just out of Hollywood. Even independent films are now more and more left-wing driven, whether it is Michael Moore or Al Gore.”

Hmm, yes, let’s pick two random independent (”independent”) documentaries… hmm… ahh, yes, here’s two random choices: The docs made by Al Gore and Michael Moore. See, the left is making every indie film nowadays!

Moore, Gore… and now Santorum? [Allentown Morning Call]

‘Metro’ Breaks Superman’s Identity

Dude, Chris. You’re supposed to put the Superman garb under your button-down shirt. Otherwise what’s the point of even having a secret identity?

Ugueth Urbina Moves From ‘Pen To Pen

Former Phillies reliever Ugueth Urbina — who the Phils got for 2006 ALCS MVP Placido Polanco two years ago — has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for his part in a machete attack two years ago.

And by “for his part”, I mean he was found guilty of five attempted murders, illegal deprivation of liberty and violating a prohibition for taking justice into one’s own hands.

As you may remember, Urbina, 31, was accused of attacking five men with a machete after throwing gas on them back in November 2005. Urbina simply said he saw them using his pool without permission, then went to sleep.

Despite all this, well, I’m a little worried about the bullpen this year, and I think the Phillies could really use a guy like Urbina. Does anyone know if the Phils can spring him from Venezuelan jail?

Report: Urbina sentenced to prison in Venezuela [ESPN.com]
Nov. 8, 2005: Breaking: T.O. not worst athlete in town

Milton No Longer The Great Entertainer He Once Was

Everyone’s favorite candidate for City Council, Milton Street, was in a New Jersey court yesterday answering charges he failed to pay parking tickets from the 1990s. And, as the Daily News‘ Wendy Ruderman points out, the public was ready for the show to begin.

The appearance of Mayor Street’s colorful older brother in Moorestown Municipal Court caused a stir among fellow scofflaws.

“I expect him to have some choice words for the judge,” said Kathleen Noon, 47, who was in court for a speeding ticket. “I hope I’m still here when he goes up.”

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say there’s a good chance people intentionally broke traffic laws on the streets of Moorestown in order for the chance to go see Milton Street’s show. Cop stopped you for speeding? It’s okay, you might get a chance to see the Milton Street in court. Although it isn’t likely the show would be as good as his song-and-dance show on March 1, it’d be a Milton Street stand-up appearance nonetheless.

Well, no dice. Milton didn’t do anything yesterday except mumble a few words to the judge after being admonished for letting these tickets sit for over a decade. Ol’ Milty agreed to pay a $678 fine and went on his way, telling reporters he was glad it was over. “It was nagging… It was like a big hemorrhoid,” he said to the press.

Aw, c’mon, Milt! That’s no way to act as the Greatest Candidate in Philadelphia Political History. Where are the references to Watermelon Man, the prop coffin, the heartfelt singing? This is simply unacceptable. Once you become the Greatest Candidate in Philadelphia Political History, there are responsibilities you have to uphold. C’mon, Milt!

Just the ticket for meek Milton [Daily News]