Be Sure To Look For The ‘Authentic St. Joseph’ Label

Holy Fannie Mae, Batman!

Having trouble selling your home? Why, you definitely need some sort of good-luck charm or witchcraft, like a rabbit’s foot or a spell that turns prospective buyers who decline to bid into a newt. Or you can go for that time-tested superstitious charm, the St. Joseph statue.

Or, if you really want to sell your home, you can buy the authentic St. Joseph. Yes, the item at right has been given out by New Jersey realtor Pat Ciervo, who bought a box of statues last year and (assuredly) told his sellers to bury the statue in the backyard, as is the tradition. (St. Joseph handles the intercessions for the home when you’re trying to vacate it. When you lose something, St. Anthony is the one to call. And if you are in danger of being attacked by pirates, St. Albinus of Angers gets those prayers. He’s not as busy anymore.)

But it’s Abbott Church Goods owner Daniel Castonguay who sells ‘em in individual packages, and not just to Catholics or even Christians:

“When things get bad, people get religious,” said Daniel Castonguay, who runs Abbott Church Goods on Route 38 in Cherry Hill and also operates ourfather.com. “When the real estate market gets soft, people hear about it from friends and Realtors. We’ve even had Jewish people come in for them and joke that they’ll convert if it works.”

As it shows on his website, Castonguay is quite the snake oil salesman faith-based healer: “Can’t sell a home? Ask St. Joseph…He’s Helped 1000’s! Faith can move mountains…and homes!!”

It reads like a spam.

But that’s not all. For another two bucks, you can get the St. Joseph Home Seller Kit — as opposed to the “St. Joseph Home Sale Kit” — which includes these instructions:

“If you Believe in Him… It Will Sell”

The practice of using a St. Joseph Kit is actually quite simple and requires just a few steps….

1) Pray… using the enclosed prayer card, say a prayer to St. Joseph asking for his help.
2) Show… it is your choice whether you want to bury St. Joseph in your yard or place him somewhere on your property, to show your belief and trust in him.
3 Honor… once your house has sold, thank St. Joseph and place him in a prominent position in your new house.

… Contrary to several beliefs and rumors, there are no exact specifications to burying St. Joseph… such as: upside down, exactly 12″ deep or in the backyard. When does matter is the prayer and the faith that he will help sell your home.

Please remember that all necessary steps have to be taken in order to sell a home. This includes clean up, improvements, proper showing, and a reasonable market price.

Wishing you the best of luck,
Abbott Church Goods, Inc.

I’m glad Abbott Church Goods, Inc., made sure we knew the misconceptions about the Catholic tradition. It’s glad they’ve shone some light on the situation. Of course, there is a better way to sell your home. Simply copy this message to three people. If you don’t comply, you will meet a horrible fate involving muskrats. If you do, you’ll not only sell your house and find your one true love but get completely toned as well. Please remember that a balanced diet and exercise is necessary also.

Holy intervention in home sales [Camden Courier-Post]