Philadelphia Protected From Ass-Fetish Terrorist

An Iraqi national living in Atlantic City forced a Philadelphia-bound flight to divert to Las Vegas last week after airport security found several items in his ass.

Here’s what he was trying to sneak onto the plane in his ass:

Fadhel Al-Maliki, a 35-year-old Iraqi national living in Atlantic City, N.J., had been flagged by security officials at LAX and was undergoing a secondary “selectee screening” when he set off a metal detector. Al-Maliki, a former security guard, told screeners that he knew what had triggered the alarm and proceeded to remove items from his rectum, including a rock, chewing gum and thin wire filament.

I’m not quite sure what he was going to do with a rock, gum and wire, but perhaps he’s the Iraqi version of MacGuyver. Of course, crack American investigators quickly ruled out any theories that make any sense.

A preliminary investigation appeared to rule out a theory that Al-Maliki may have been looking for weaknesses in security or was rehearsing for a terrorist act, federal and local law enforcement authorities said.

During questioning, Al-Maliki said the objects in his rectum were used to alleviate stress, federal law enforcement sources said.

The rock, authorities said he told them, was from another planet.

I heard this is why we haven’t captured Osama Bin Laden. Every time anybody gets close to him, he puts all his terrorist training tools up his ass and then says they were just there to relieve stress.

Hidden Objects in Passenger’s Body Triggers Bomb Squad Call, Flight Diversion [LA Times/AirportBusiness.com via Johnny Goodtimes]

[Photo via CBC. I'm not quite sure where that airplane is taking off from, either.]