Week In Will Do: A Week That Will Live In Infamy

We’re all sure that happened, right? We’re all sure Milton Street, the mayor’s older brother and joke candidate for mayor — he’s under federal indictment, decided to run on what appeared to be a whim, had a 5,000-person mandate for a rally to stay in the race but decided to stay in despite only attracting 200, mostly media members, has a campaign slogan of Oh shit!, who appeared to be fighting a War on Asians during his rally but is probably still the most honest candidate — had a rally, the Milton Man March, and then sang a religious song while leaning on a coffin as if he were a Vegas lounge singer and the coffin was a piano? Are we sure that happened? I don’t know if I am.

But, fortunately, we have video. And we have video of Milton Street singing while leaning on a coffin. If I ever become a grandfather, this is the first story I am going to tell my grandkids. “Have you had a good life, grandpa?” Well, I don’t know, but I did see Milton Street sing a religious song while leaning on a coffin.” “Who’s Milton Street?” “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

That would easily have been enough for this week. If that was the only thing that Milton Street did this week, he’d already be the frontrunner by a ridiculously wide margin for Person of the Year. The Milton Man March was pretty amazing even before he broke into song. And also this week, Milton didn’t know who Kidd Chris was despite being on the Kidd Chris show. And he launched a website. And he now has an unofficial candidate for Vice Mayor, despite that position not existing. Here’s the Milton Street archive.

(Deep breath.)

Okay, there was some other stuff, too.

• I really do not believe that Philebriti’s Joey Sweeney’s ad for Infiniti isn’t the best story of the week. Remember a few days ago, when this was the only thing going on? I guess Milton was jealous of all the attention. Oh, yeah, I also broke out the copy of Quark and made this thing, which a few people found funny. Huzzah!

• But don’t think Joey Sweeney didn’t show up in the Milton Street news, too.

• Comment-wise, this Fusion gets buckets-of-marijuana story is by far the best of the week. In case you’re wondering, I’m a fat ass who doesn’t shop at Fusion because of it, yet I should probably shop at Fusion to end my “bias” against the store. The Internet is awesome.

• Dwight Evans locked up the crucial Most Awesome Photo award.

• Yes, the meth-dealing, porn-watching, sex toys-having, naked principal makes me shrug this week. That sort of sums up the week better than anything else.

• The Phillies ruined the Phillie Phanatic.

• Instead of starting a football team, St. Joe’s is simply adopting Boston College’s. Yes, this is one of the hundreds of stories from this week that, if I predicted them, you would have said I was making stupid jokes.

• John Timoney got a lot of fake parking tickets once.

• One man really hates Cherry Hill Dodge.

• John Perzel doesn’t want Osama Bin Laden owning the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

• Rick Santorum might be writing a column for the Inquirer.

• But after all that, this is totally my favorite thing I did this week.

Okay, I just got a text message reading, “Is Chase Utley white?” I think I need to go lay down.