Jim Kenney To Philly: I’m Bob Brady’s Lackey (Or: I Hate Tom Knox)

City Councilman Jim Kenney revealed yesterday that he is Bob Brady’s bestest friend in the whole wide world! He did this by proposing a bill making it more likely for his friend and ally, Bob Brady, to win the mayor’s race. Afterward, he went online to YoungPhillyPoltics and acted indignant and bashed Tom Knox in every comment.

Here are the other jokes I was thinking of using.

• Jim Kenney, buoyed by support from CBS 3, 6 ABC, NBC 10 and Fox 29, decided to propose a bill ending the campaign contribution limits so that these four television stations could get more money from local ad campaigns. The four stations got Kenney to propose the bill by offering the following items: A weekly TV show Bob Brady and Jim Kenney’s Playhouse (CBS 3); a copy of The Complete Larry Ferrari on DVD, a 16-disc set valued at $249.99 (6 ABC); a bow tie (NBC 10); a date with Kerri-Lee Halkett (Fox 29).
• Jim Kenney really, really hates Tom Knox. (This part is true.) And he really hates his campaign ads. So he decided to propose a bill ending campaign contribution limits so he could get more ads on television, thereby allowing candidates to put more ads on TV and reducing the Depressing Tom Knox ads per capita (DTKAPC).
• Jim Kenney went to the zoo and met a magic gorilla. The magic gorilla told him that if the campaign spending limits were not repealed, the city would fall into enternal darkness. He then proposed a bill ending campaign contribution limits so the city would not fall into eternal darkness.
• Jim Kenney went to the zoo and met a magic gorilla. The magic gorilla told him that if the campaign spending limits were repealed, Bob Brady would have a much better shot at winning. Then Bob Brady got out of his magic gorilla suit. Jim Kenney then proposed a bill ending campaign contribution limits so Bob Brady could have a better shot at winning.

I decided to lead with the one I did because it’s the funniest. And it’s true.

Then again, the truth is usually the best. You know you can’t get that kind of humor from the private sector. Or this kind, either:

“This is anti-democratic and it deprives the people without big pockets, the very people we all represent, from participating,” Councilwoman Carol Campbell said of the existing law. Campbell, a longtime Brady ally, took office last year after being nominated in a closed-door meeting convened by Brady, who is city Democratic chairman.

“It makes the process unleveled and undemocratic,” Councilman Daniel Savage, another cosponsor, said of the current limits. Savage’s nomination, too, had Brady’s backing.

The next few months are going to be great. Not only are these people writing new laws to make it easier for Bob Brady to win, but they’re getting angry when someone calls them on it. Whatevs, it’s politics, that’s how it works. Just don’t act all annoyed when people call you on it.

I can’t wait for the “Only People Named Bob Brady Can Run For Mayor” bill. (Or its cousin: “No One Named Tom Knox Can Run For Mayor.”)

Campaign fund caps may fall [Inquirer]
Yesterday: Democratic Machine Sees Popular Outsider, Changes Rules To Make It Harder For Outsider To Win