Keystone Cops: Keystone Cops

• The moniker for this feature doesn’t really fit most of the time. Police officers are generally hard-working people who do a fine job. But every once in a while, the planets align and cops really do whatever it is the Keystone Cops did. (I’ve never seen one of those movies, obvs.) And I don’t know if this was a plot for a Keystone Cops movie, but it really should have been: Just two days before his promotion to police chief of Wall Township, N.J., Bernard Sullivan was arrested for a DUI. In Wall Township. Whoops! [AP/NBC 10]

• Animal rights activists are protesting Penn because they want to save humans by testing on animals. Or they don’t do it humane enough or something, with four times the violations of any other group. [KYW 1060]

• A Pennsylvania woman has been told to move her alpaca shed 18 feet. [AP/Philly.com]

• Some dude in Jersey shot a horse with an arrow and killed him. No, it wasn’t me. I prefer to slaughter my horses with machetes. [6 ABC]