New Jersey Church Discovers Masturbation Bans No Longer Attracting Converts, Sells 99-Cent Gas Instead

The “Liquid Church,” a Somerset County-based nondenominational Christian church, decided to cancel services yesterday and instead sold gas really cheap. (Take that, Catholics!)

The church’s pastor, Tim Lucas, explained: “We called off services today because we wanted our service to be serving our neighbors instead. We say, ‘The church has left the building.’” (Later, Lucas explained that those who live their lives without religion make him say, “Where’s the beef?”) The church paid about $4,000 to subsidize the cheap gas, and members of the congregation wore knit hats bearing a cross, a liquid drop and a gas pump.

The church’s 250 volunteers — about half the congregation — made sure that the event was not just a quickie fill-up. Some handed out food, some cleaned windows and tires, some explained about the church to volunteers and others prayed for filler-uppers who needed some help.

The event was all smiles and all the quotes in the Courier-Post article are all rainbows and glitter. (Seriously. Who knew you could make people so happy with just a little 99-cent-a-gallon gas? Even the station’s owner bought pizza for everyone.) Some, though, wished this was a more common occurence:

“This is excellent. I really appreciate it, and everybody is real nice too,” said Karel Zerjav of Bernardsville who heard about the cheap gas from a neighbor. “Every pump should do this.”

Every gas station with a church, that is.

‘Liquid Church’ offers cheap gas [Camden Courier-Post]