Sep14 |
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How Michael Smerconish Spent His 9/11
If you haven’t checked out Michael Smerconish’s column today, be sure to give it a whirl. Smerconish writes a memo to Osama Bin Laden from the “Philadelphia Cell” — who wants to bet they live in Fishtown — about how the Islamofascists are winning the War on America because people watched a football game on 9/11, among other things. It’s strange that the note is in English, but, hey. Smerconish thinks we (as a nation) didn’t grieve enough, didn’t treat 9/11 seriously enough, aren’t as concerned with Osama Bin Laden as he (and his president, of course) are. With that being said, it’s time to chronicle how Michael Himself spent his Sept. 11, protecting our freedom and helping to bring the Philadelphia Cell to justice. 4:30 a.m. — Smerconish wakes up in his Montgomery County home, makes himself a nice breakfast of Freedom Toast and American Bacon. 5:00 a.m. — Smerconish interrupts his drive to work to get “9/11″ tattooed on his forehead (pictured).
9:30 a.m. — Smerconish heads to the local mosque to see if there are any terrorists there. 9:35 a.m. — Smerconish tackles a muslim on the street, asking if he’s a terrorist. 9:46 a.m. — Smerconish makes a record roundup of 45 muslims in one minute. None are terrorists, though. 10:00 a.m. — Smerconish plugs his book Muzzled at an appearance. He claims to be “muzzled” himself by the “mainstream media,” despite his radio show, TV appearances, website and weekly Daily News column. 10 a.m. - Noon — Two hours of listening to G.W. Bush speeches on tape. 12:15 p.m. — Lunch with the Pope. 1 p.m. — Smerconish drives down I-76, keeping his eyes out for terrorists. 1:45 p.m. — Smerconish kicks in to high gear when he sees a muslim driving erratically down I-76. The man turns out to be Cat Stevens. 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. — Illegal immigrant hunting session with Joey Vento. 4:30 p.m. - 9 p.m. — Terrorist hunting session in Narberth with another “muzzled” conservative talk show host on radio and TV. Despite not finding the Philadelphia Cell for the 1,262th straight day, Smerconish feels that next time will be the one. 10 p.m. — Goes to sleep. Dreams of winging terrorists in Afghanistan and illegal immigrants on the Mexican border. |
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Hey, leave Narberth out of this.
It’s kind of funny that the Islamic fundamentalist terrorist that Smerconish is channeling has sympathy for George W. Bush, and also seems like he kind of agrees with Bush’s decision to invade Iraq. That is one GOP-lovin’ terrorist!
Michael Smerconish is a perfectly-representative example of the GOP base- scared sh_tless. Our right-leaning fellow citizens are frantic with fear because they A.) didn’t notice the first WTC center attack, the OK City Bombing, the Waco standoff, or the miriad of terror attacks in Western Europe since the early 1960’s, and B.) they haven’t gotten their heads around the fact that Democracy is dangerous. Our way of life is intentionally scary, because when you are free, you are somewhat in danger of bad things happening. Deal with it.
So, to the GOP base: clean out your shorts, pull yourselves up by YOUR bootstraps, and stop acting like a bunch of crazy pansies. You’re giving the rest of us Americans a bad name.
And that goes double for SMIRK-onish and the President. Grow up, you terrified little girls.
-BP
To clarify, by pansies, I mean no disrespect to an y particular group, save the group of people who scream at the site of a mouse in the kitchen, or pis themselves every time Cheney goes bump in the night.
And yeah, The Republicans are a bunch of gutless sellouts. You can have my civil rights when you pry my cold dead hands off of them.
-BP
Gradually, little Michael drifted off to sleep, pinging Muslims on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.