Week In Will Do: R.I.P., Phillies

• Well, I start this whole Rally Pelvis thing — thinking, hey, the Phils’ll sweep the Nationals and people will get into it and etc. and etc. — and the Fightins promptly lose 2 of 3 and some rookie callup is tying Gil Freakin’ Hodges Dodgers record for RBI and suddenly the Phils are essentially out of the Wild Card. (They need a sweep and a prayer or two.) Well, let’s hope Monday they’ve been resurrected from the dead. But if not, well, the Eagles are looking pretty good minus one quarter this year, eh? Eh?

• Man, Bucks County has awesome southern gentlemen and awesome crime.

• Man, that John Street is the next Lewis Black. Or maybe Carrot Top.

• While we may ever know if T.O. attempted suicide, we are clear on this: Eagles fans are hoping the team takes full advantage of this.

• To quote the poet Homer: “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”

• Some people actually believe Giants fans are saints, while Eagles fans are worse than Stalin. Eh.

• NBC 10’s blogs continue to get even more awesome.

Enjoy your weekend, all. Go Phils.

Leftovers: You’ll Take These Links And You’ll Like Them

It’s Friday. I need a nap. So I’m just sending you some links that I’ve been perusing for the past few hours as I watch the second hand tick away. They may or may not have anything to do with Philadelphia, they are probably not topical and you probably won’t find them interesting. But, hey, they’ll be there for me to find when I want to go back and read them. Hooray!

• Here’s a poodle who herds dogs. His name is Flash. Who knew, eh? [Dog Play]

• SkinnySlim (the original boroughs half of Philly/NYC music blog Badminton Stamps) has figured out a sly way to get away with calling lame things “gay.” I’ll keep referring to things like men having sex with other men as gay, but I do like his moxie. (Moxie? Is that the right word? Oh, whatever.) [Badminton Stamps]

• Wikipedia has an article on human evolution. I think I’m reading this for the fourth or fifth time, because I find human evolution fascinating, yet I have no freaking clue about pretty much anything about it. For all I know, proto-humans may have ridden dinosaurs to Wal-Mart. (Or whatever the Flinstones equivalent of Wal-Mart is. By the way, I had a boss once who thought the founder of Wal-Mart’s name was “Sam Walmart.”) I also don’t remember if the article was good or not, but it is long, so that’s something.

• I may have linked this before, but here’s an adorable Cavalier King Charles Spaniel from Cute Overload. And, here’s a link to a Cav rescue organization. Aww.

Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Johnny

The Daily News‘ Gar Joseph — who also has some fantastic reporting about how Philly politics work in his article — today unintentionally furthers my theory that John Street is actually an amazing actor who is playing the role of a bumbling mayor (thanks, Liz):

“I should also announce that Terrell Owens is going to be the mental-health adviser to the task force.” — Mayor Street, joking [we think] at the end of a City Hall news conference yesterday announcing a task force to assess the performance of city schools.

See? He has to be an actor. The greatest actor ever. He’s made us all believe.

Gar Joseph | The Council-seat done-deal we predicted? Done. [Daily News, last item]
What? What? [TTWS]
Sept. 20: Company In Dire Straits Hands Out $500K Bonuses; Mayor Street Thinks It’s (Naturally) A Fantastic Idea

Totally In Right Now: Condoms

The Daily Pennsylvanian reports today on the ebb and flow of condom sales. Condoms are big on Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve and right now!

Sweet. I’m totally going out to buy some condoms right now so I can be part of this trend. But I surely won’t be able to top the girth of the University of Pennsylvania’s condom order: 50,000.

(Do you think there’s a bidding process for the condom contract? Hopefully, Trojan and Lifestyles representatives come in with charts and statistics with the condoms’ important stats — length and width, breakage rate, etc. — before the University makes such an important decision.)

The article doesn’t really make enough puns about condoms, but it does include the key fact:

Condoms are available for free at the LGBT Center, the Penn Women’s Center and other resource hubs. Student Health Services, Fresh Grocer and CVS Pharmacy carry them for purchase.

Straight guys? Yeah, you gotta buy your condoms. (Yes, yes, I know.)

Update, 2:45 p.m.: Shit! Look at their selection!

Pencils, paper and 50,000 condoms [Daily Pennsylvanian]

Robbery Leads To Talk Show Host Mashup

A bumbling bank robber in (where else) Bucks County was sentenced yesterday to four to eight years in state prison. Here’s how the crime took place:

1. The man, Jason Maxwell, bummed a ride from a man at a Philadelphia gas station, offering him $100 if he would drive him to Bensalem to cash a check.
2. They got lost and pulled up to a PNC.
3. Maxwell went inside the bank, handed them a note saying “Give me all your money or you die,” and got $1,900.
4. He then went outside, pumped his fists in the air and waved his money around.
5. In the car, he bragged to the driver about robbing the bank while the driver slyly recorded his boasts on his cell phone.
6. After dropping him off, the driver went to the police and showed them the tape. He also gave them a stack of papers Maxwell left in his car, including his pay stub.
7. Officers went to Maxwell’s house, where Maxwell’s mom said her son was just there bragging about how he had robbed a bank.
8. Maxwell was arrested after spending the money on “booze and drugs.”

But, hey, it’s not all bad, right? From the Courier article:

“Obviously, this guy had a wish to get on Jay Leno’s list of the 10 worst criminals,” said Chief Deputy District Attorney Gary Gambardella.

Great! He can get on that list! If it existed!

Or, maybe it does, on the Jay Letterman show.

Man jailed for robbery caught on video [Bucks County Courier Times]

Your Official ‘Ewwwww’ Moment Of The Day

From today’s Daily Pennsylvanian:

Before his arrest on child-pornography charges, ex-Wharton professor Scott Ward had extensively researched children as a consumer group.

Ward has researched marketing for children [Daily Pennsylvanian]

It’s Not Mascot Dancing, But It’ll Have To Do

Are any of you surprised these dancers are holding a parade in Mayfair this weekend?

NJ’s Upper Class To Lose 7 Cents On The Dollar

As part of a budget compromise over the summer, several things that weren’t taxed previously were going to be assessed at the seven-percent rate. That finally goes into effect on October 1.

And what are these things? Digital downloads (good luck with that one, guys), tattoos, massages, and…

On Sunday, New Jersey’s 7% sales tax is being extended to items that were previously exempt, including country club memberships and health club dues.

Oh no, country club memberships! The horror, the horror.

NJ Sales Tax to be Extended to More Items [KYW 1060]

The Good Things From Last Night’s Phillies Game

Surprisingly, there were some, even when the game scheduled to start at 7:05 didn’t begin until 11:30.

The first was Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen, who last night said of Jeff Conine’s 0-for-7 performance the night before: “But after a night like that, I think he was on a suicide watch.” Ho ho!

The second was the Presidents’ Race, where giant costumed presidents (with huge heads) race around the field. And, since the game started at 11:30, reporters — reporters! — ran in some of the costumes, including Delco Times reporter Dennis Deitch, who was George Washington. And that costumed Thomas Jefferson who fell flat on his face? None other than Phillies.com reporter Ken Mandel.

“He’s the first person to fall in the history of the race,” CSN reporter John Finger said last night.

Congratulations, Ken! You did better than the Fightins did last night.

Loss to Nationals leaves Phils 2 behind L.A. [Inquirer]

Breaking: Richardson Dilworth Moves To Society Hill

Coming soon: Some people are moving into this neighborhood of “Northern Liberties.”

Phila. Old City Neighborhood on the Rise [KYW 1060]