Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Elmer Smith: Paul Vallas is just like Ray Rhodes.

Shocker: Philly Rappers Give Philly Props

The Roots? Repping Philly? Surely you jest.

They proclaim to all the land: Philly is cool [Inquirer]
August 24: Do You Want ‘Metro’?!!!??!

Leftovers: Sixers Plan Trade of AI To Mom’s Team

• Allen Iverson’s mom has gone an bought herself a basketball team! The Richmond Iversons Warriors will play in the ABA, a small pro league where anyone with $20,000 and a dream can buy a team. Look for her at courtside, holding up a “THAT’S MY TEAM!” sign. [AP/FOX Sports]

• Appearing on FOX News Sunday, Delaware Senator Joe Biden refuted the notion that he’s too Northern (I guess) to run for President. How so? To wit: “You don’t know my state. My state was a slave state. My state is a border state. My state has the eighth-largest black population in the country. My state is anything from a Northeast liberal state.” Tune into the Sunday talk shows next week, when Biden notes all the lynchings the state’s had. [Wonkette]

• A report says that 24 percent of Philadelphians report being sexually abused. Fortunately, this puts us on par with other cities in the country. Er, wait. [CBS 3]

• Pagans — the, uh, loosely affiliated religious groups, not the motorcycle gang — recently held a conference in Fort Washington. How wild was it? As the Northeast Times notes, “They even wore T-shirts, tank tops, shorts, skirts, sneakers and sandals. And some had baseball caps, too.” [NET]

• It’s going to be a little longer before Northeast Philadelphian and astronaut goes into space, as the shuttle launch has been delayed. [AP/Yahoo!]

• Don Vito is heading home after his arrest. [AP/6 ABC]

All Of God’s Creatures, Especially The Disease-Carrying Mosquitos

Yes, I was wondering when Metro was going to ask “Superstar” Billy Graham his opinions. It’s long overdue.

John Staggs Continues To Be Awesome

Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett has told election officials they can no longer force candidates to sign a McCarthy-era loyalty oath stating they are not “subversive.”

Although the oath was ruled unconstitutional in the 1970s, it remained on the books in Pennsylvania until it was challenged in recent years — by Pittsburgh mayoral candidate Jay Ressler last year and this year by State House candidate John Staggs, also a Socialist Workers Party member.

Staggs, you may remember, was the totally awesome third candidate in the 2003 Philadelphia mayoral election, whose platform included opposition to the war in Iraq and independence for Puerto Rico. He’s also a butcher who was working on an experimental plane.

As you can tell, if there were any justice in the world, right now Philly would be run by our plane-flyin’ meat packing plant-workin’ socialist friend. Staggs challenged the rule forcing him to sign the loyalty oath when before submitting the signatures. He’s running for the State House in District 198. If he wins — which, uh, is not going to happen — the state legislature would increase its awesomeness content by about a billion percent.

Pa. drops loyalty oath for candidates [AP/Yahoo!]
Butcher, candidate to vie for mayor spot [Daily Pennsylvanian]
State orders end to use of ‘loyalty oath’ [The Militant]

F-Word ‘Inquirer’ Quotes Fucking Vampire

After discussing whether her column her column was bad for kids over the weekend, today Faye Flam asks why, in English, the words for sex and sex organs are deemed the “worst” swears.

While the Inquirer doesn’t print fuck, dick, cock, pussy, tits, twat, cunt, motherfucker, come-covered man slut or any other “sexual swear” I can’t think of off the top of my head, there are several instances of “F-word.” (”F-word” has been clinically proven to be less harmful to kids than “fuck.”) We also learn that the Inquirer has lessened its restrictions on “damn” and “hell,” yet “buggery” is banned. Well, bull feathers!

Apparently, though, cursing is good for the soul and good for society. (It’s not even a sin to say “fuck.” Yes! Fuck fuck fuck! See how fun that is?) As for society, well, Flam explains:

Overall, the scientific evidence suggests swearing is good for you, says psycholinguist Timothy Jay of Massachusetts College of the Liberal Arts and author of Cursing in America. ¶ We’re the only animal that can curse, he says, which sometimes helps us avoid physical violence. “It allows us to express our emotions symbolically and at a distance.” For example, Jay says, when a woman was weaving in front of him on the road that morning he was able to call her a “dumb ass” instead of getting out of his car and biting her.

After being cut off, Timothy Jay’s two options were (a) say “dumb ass” or (b) get out and bite her. I must say, that’s quite a clusterfuck.

Why are sex words our worst swear words? [Inquirer]

Police Recruit Takes Idea From Stupid Teenagers

A West Philly man had an interesting way of training to become a police officer. Specifically, he, uh, decided to threaten to shoot up the place:

A West Philadelphia man was kicked out of the city police academy after allegedly making terroristic threats last week.

On Aug. 15, Howard Neil Jr., 26, of Pine Street near 48th, allegedly told classmates that he would “make the police academy like Columbine,” police said. Neil claimed he would use items in his gym bag to execute the plan at a building near the main police academy, on Red Lion Road near Academy.

Police called in the bomb squad and evacuated Valor Hall, a building at the academy. Neil was taken into custody late that morning and his gym bag was examined. The bag was later found to have nothing in it, according to a police spokesman.

Neil was charged with making terroristic threats and later released to await court action. He was scheduled to graduate from the academy in September but has been dismissed, police said.

Aw, c’mon! A cop with a duffel bag full of assault weapons! (Or, at least saying he has one.) Hey, now there’s a gun violence solution we haven’t tried yet, right?

Police recruit booted from academy [Northeast Times]

Ultimate Schadenfreude

Yesterday, the Dallas Morning News reported that new Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens had been fined $9,500 for missing two meetings and a rehab session on Friday.

A little under $10,000 isn’t quite a big fine for the receiver, who signed a three-year, $25 million deal in the offseason. But we all know from the trials and tribulations of last season that Owens doesn’t quite like anything done to him, ever. But, in case you haven’t been paying close attention to Cowboys training camp and their trials and tribulations with Owens — because, really, who hasn’t? — here’s a short list:

• Owens has missed 19 of 31 practices so far at this training camp with a hamstring injury.
• During one of his bike riding sessions, he wore the old uniform of Lance Armstrong. Fortunately, he avoided a Floyd Landis costume.
• He flew in assistants to help him with rehab. The Associated Press article sort of paints this as a bad thing. I’m not quite sure — it sounds like a good thing to me — but whatever.
• And now there’s this fine.

Uh, actually, that doesn’t sound like he’s done anything all that bad, until he missed a few meetings.

But, still, at least he played in the preseason last year.

T.O. going too far? WR reportedly fined $9,500 [AP/ESPN.com]

Candidate For Sheriff IS A HUGE FREAKING LIAR

Last Thursday, a press release came into the inbox from Michael Untermeyer, announcing a press conference about his candidacy for sheriff and telling the public the Rocky Statue would be there.

Today, Untermeyer sent out another press release, recapping his commitment to “professionalism, accountability and integrity” and attaching a photo from the campaign announcement:

Whoa. Wait a second. That’s just a guy painted bronze. (And they forgot a part of the pants.) And it’s a guy who doesn’t look much like Rocky at all. Is he even white? And he’s wearing red boxing gloves! And… he’s not in the Rocky Statue pose! And… wait a second, this candidate for sheriff is a huge freaking liar! This guy looks more like a statue of Clarence Weatherspoon than Rocky. Hell, it looks more like Apollo Creed than Rocky.

Looking back at his original press release, it says the “Rocky Statue” will be there. Putting it in quotes probably means he was technically not lying, but for a candidate whose campaign slogan is “a pledge of professionalism, accountability and integrity” it seems pretty weird to not explain that it wasn’t going to be the real Rocky Statue at your campaign event! And if you’re going to do that, at least use a podium that’s not from Cosi, please?

There aren’t many official political opinions here at Philadelphia Will Do. But since Untermeyer has shown that he can’t even put out a simple press release without lying — and got a horrible Rocky Statue stand-in at that — it is the official opinion of this blog that no one should vote for Michael Untermeyer come 2007. This blog does not care if the only other option is John Mark Karr, the robot from Small Wonder or Terrell Owens. You don’t lie about the Rocky statue. You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!

Full release after the jump.

More »

By The Time You’ve Read This You’ve Already Read It

A late-breaking update from the Inquirer brings the following news:

As of 7:40 this morning, the eastbound Admiral Wilson Boulevard was closed from the Ben Franklin Bridge tolls to Airport Circle, and westbound traffic was reduced to one lane, according to traffic.com.

Flooding is also diverting or slowing motorists on eastbound Route 30 (White Horse Pike) at the Collingswood Circle, on Atlantic Avenue in Camden near Route 676, and in both directions along Route 73 at Main Street (Route 537) in Maple Shade.

In Philadelphia, a trouble spot was 26th Street near Girard Avenue.

If you sat in traffic all morning on your way to work, you can relax in your cubicle with Philly.com and read about the traffic you sat in on your way to work.

Rain snarls commute; more tomorrow [Inquirer]