Quickies: Suing For A Pretty Penny

• A Penn student is suing the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity for injuries he said he sustained in a hazing incident. He allegedly was repeatedly punched repeatedly in the thighs. And, of course, the student’s father brings up t”his: “For a black fraternal organization to treat black aspirants the way African-Americans were mistreated and abused during slavery, and to do it in the name of fraternity, is obscene.” I see. [Daily News]

• The head of the Northwood Civic Association, Northeast Philly, began a recent meeting with this line: “We’re part of Frankford, but we don’t have to look at Frankford.” Uhh, dude, you live in the Northeast. Nobody wants to look at you. [Northeast Times]

• Clearly, the Southampton Free Library is piggybacking off the popularity of The Real World’s Svetlana Shusterman. They’re going to be offering books in Russian. [Bucks County Courier Times]

• Forbes released its most expensive zip codes of the last year, and Stone Harbor clocks in at No. 48. Oh, Avalon’s going to feel even more second-rate now. [Forbes]

• In Columbus, Ohio, a half-dime was sold for $1.3 million. That better be some good shit. [AP/CNN.com]

A Useless Letter

A letter in today’s Daily News:

DRUGS ARE a plague on our society, and the people who use them are just as useless as the drugs themselves. So, a few useless people needed a fix so badly that they got a bad batch of heroin and overdosed and died.

I can’t repeat this mantra enough: People choose to use drugs, the drugs don’t come knocking at your door and say “take me.” I certainly won’t lose any sleep over their deaths.

Whoever these drug addicts are, they have caused their families enough heartache. Good riddance.

Cheryl Gilbert, Collingswood, N.J.

Ha ha! Isn’t it fun when people die? Ho ho! Quite the knee-slapper!

Bad, drugs, Bad end

Or, Possibly, The Birds Could Stay Put. Or Move Up Or Down. Maybe.

The Eagles could move up, or possibly move down. Or they could stay where they are. Unless they move up or down. Or stay in place. Or maybe they’ll forget to pick altogether.

No. 14: Call it no man’s land [Daily News]

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Elmer Smith: Wait. Martha Reeves — of Martha and the Vandellas — still performs despite being on Detroit City Council? Ha. Let’s see Brian O’Neill or Frank Rizzo do that!

Jill Porter: Yeah, what this mayoral race needs is a bunch of nicknames. That way, it’ll be easier for the Daily News to write headlines.

Wireless Internet Available Only To Short People

An article in Metro yesterday detailed the one tiny little problem with the city’s wireless internet program: It won’t go above three stories.

This makes sense, of course. Sometimes I have problems getting wifi in my room, and my laptop is only about 10 feet away from my router. (And I have a good router, a Linksys, not some CompUSA brand.) And so it’d make sense that with the wireless stations located on lightposts, there wouldn’t be a way to get wireless if you weren’t close enough to a lightpost. Which, in a high rise, you’re not. (Earthlink says that’s going to be “Phase 2″ of the program, which is okay — and it’d be better to finally get this thing off the ground, if City Council ever actually votes to sign the contract.)

Obviously, the patricians in Center City highrise condos and office buildings aren’t hurting for the Internet. (Although the program is designed for all, let’s just say that cheap Internet is going to — in theory — help the poorer people in the city. Right?) But there are lower-income high-rises as well. But, of course, if you do live above the third floor, you can buy a special wifi card from Earthlink in order to get service.

City Council didn’t sign a contract yesterday, which means that, as time passes, the original awesome, amazing idea for the city covered in free wireless Internet has slowly become something that, like the extension of Woodhaven Road, feels like it’s just not going to happen. Or, if and when it does, it’ll be a lame-o, expensive program that won’t work well, won’t be available to many people and just will be another “oh well” thing in this city.

Hopefully, I’ll be wrong. But, well, it is Philadelphia.

Wi-Fi’s glass ceiling [Metro]
Photo by Manamanah

Blogicized: Burkle-o’s

• The real thing that possible new Daily News/Inquirer headman — well, way up the chain of command — Ron Burkle loves? His buddy P. Diddy. It really is all about the Benjamins. (Rimshot.) [Philebrity]

• Lower Merion — original home of Kobe Bryant, Dan Gross, &c. — is now subsidizing housing for families. Families who make up to $76,000 a year. Geeze, I can’t believe they’re finally letting in the upper middle-classers. [I've Made A Huge Tiny Mistake]

• Gavin Floyd — who shares a birthday, day and year, with yours truly (but he makes a little more money than I do) — has been flat-out sucking recently. What’re the Phillies to do? [Phillyist]

• The most confusing political quote of the year so far: “I like to say that over 25 years I probably showed up one Saturday night and scrubbed your back when you were getting a bath.” Uhh, Mike O’Brien? Stay out of my house. [Welcome to Phillyville]

The Price Of Gas Keeps On Rising

Hey, remember back in 2001, when we all got that $300 tax rebate? Oh, yeah, not really, because it happened right before 9/11, and we forgot pretty much everything else when that happened. (We especially forgot to, oh, you know, check and see if we had plans for the post-Saddam era in Iraq. But I digress.)

Anyway, we’re going to get another tax break, if some senators have their way: There’s a proposal right now to give everyone $100 to spend on gas.

And not just drivers. Everyone who pays their taxes will get a $100 check. (Take that, illegal aliens!) So, even though I sold my car, I’d still get a Benjamin to spend on gas, although I don’t have to spend it on gas. But since the price of everything is supposed to be going up due to the price of gas — or so the pundits say — I suppose giving the check to everyone makes some sense.

Not that the idea makes much sense, really — I’m no economist, but just giving money out isn’t the best way to spur the economy, is it? — and not that it has much chance to pass.

Or, you know, maybe the senators just want to celebrate Ben Franklin’s birthday in a very special way, eh? Eh?

Senators to push for $100 gas rebate checks [CNN.com]
Spending Your $300 Rebate [Suddenly Senior]
Photo by honan, and if you’re wondering why I didn’t pick a photo of a gas station in this area or even on the East Coast — the photo’s from San Fran — well, uhh, shush. I was going for the ‘76.’ Yeah, that’s it.

In Graduate School Of Psychology, Tests Psychoanalyze You!

The degrees of thousands of rich kids are about to get a little less valuable. Or at least a little funnier.

Yakov Smirnoff is graduating from Penn.

The 1980s Russian comedian, who’s so funny he’s built his own theater in Branson, Mo., isn’t planning on opening up a practice or anything like that. No, he’s planning on using his M.S. in psychology for good, according to the Inquirer:

Smirnoff has a mission: To use his act and his books to help launch what he Voltairishly calls the “Age of Enlaughterment,” a family-friendly Age of Aquarius where love and laughter heal all our pyshic scars.

Sporting professorial garb and a neatly trimmed beard, grad student Smirnoff fits in beautifully with the academicos at the generic McCafe next to the Penn Bookstore. He’s wired and animated, a brainier version of Dr. Phil, keen on discussing hormones, the nature of love, how to run a business.

“I find the quest I’m on allows me to reach different levels of intelligence and sophistication,” multifaceted Smirnoff says. “I can take those global ideas [about love and laughter] and boil them down to simplicity.

“And I believe that I can make a difference.”

I think we’ve entered into a new age of comedy and pleasure. I’m pumped. Thanks, Mr. Smirnoff. Thanks.

Yakov Smirnoff Gets Penn Degree [AP/6 ABC]
Yakov Smirnoff’s back - philosophically speaking [Inky]

Hipsters Begin Impersonating Cops

In Waterford, New Jersey, there’s a police officer impersonator on the loose, and cops have released this sketch:

So, if you see a hotter version of the unabomber or Danny Masterson, be sure to notify police.

Police Impersonator Wanted in Waterford, NJ [6 ABC]

So, It’s Not Really A Search Anymore, Is It?

Guys, in case you’re wondering, I’m available.

Temple search for president down to one candidate [Inky]