Because, Really, No European Immigrants Came Here Illegally, No Way, No How

Regular readers of this blog may be a little confused by my, shall we say, obsession with the Northeast Times.

It’s simple, really: I grew up in the Northeast, and each week I’d usually read the Times and its broadsheet competitor, the Gleaner — yes, Northeast Philly is a two-paper town — and I’d laugh at the wacky letters, cringe at the racist ones, laugh again at the mistakes, &c. The papers actually do a fine job of covering Northeast Philly news, though, so don’t take my obsession as an obsessive hatred, please.

But getting back to the Times alone, the other weekly read is the editorial. Give the paper credit: It isn’t afraid to take a stance on anything. There are some fluff editorials, but it’s rare to not have them, since, you know, there’s always that editorial space to fill and there may not always be something to comment on. But, usually, they can take a might-not-be-so-popular stance on a subject, such as this week’s editorial on illegal immigration.

This editorial is typical of Times editorials; t always just seems so cocksure and pompous. Now, perhaps when you get letters like the paper usually runs (and I’d hate to see the letters they reject) you realize that there’s a chance your audience has the brain power of mud. But, uhm, dude, I try not to get on my high horse too often here, if only that I’m a 23-year-old smartass who blogs about typos and puppies. But, yeah, here’s a this week’s editorial:

There’s nothing wrong with millions of people sneaking into the good old U.S. of A to start new lives — unless, of course, you happen to be one of those rare Americans who think the laws of the land are supposed to be obeyed and enforced.

The brouhaha over what to do with the 11 million illegal immigrants is much ado about nothing. The solution, dear readers, is so simple that it can be summed up in three words: Kick them out.

Legal immigrants, like our friends from the Soviet Union who make major contributions to Northeast Philadelphia’s richly diverse business and residential communities, are a vibrant, important part of the American fabric.

Illegal immigrants (call them what they are — ALIENS!), on the other hand, are more trouble than they’re worth, and some are potential terrorists. After 9/11, do we really want to tempt fate
Sure, some of the illegals do a lot of the grunt work of American industry — the low-skill or no-skill jobs that real U.S. citizens don’t want — but imagine for a moment what would happen if every alien was deported back to Mexico, or Haiti, or the Dominican Republic, or whatever. Imagine how many jobs would be available for real Americans who can’t find steady employment. Our McDonald’s, 7-Elevens, gas stations, etc., would not close. The opposite might even happen. The law of supply and demand and the reduced pool of available labor would likely push wages up a bit. That’s not a bad thing.

Meanwhile, our friends from abroad who wish to become U.S. citizens are invited to learn our customs, history and laws. Come to the melting pot capital of the world. Live the American Dream. Work hard.

Use your blood, sweat and tears to make an honest living. It’s the way we do business in the freest land in the world.

Oh, and before you settle here, please learn to speak English.

It’s the American way.

See what I mean? But, yeah, I know what you’re asking, and I’m way ahead of you: Of course the Northeast Times won a second place Keystone award for editorial writing.

Alien nation [Northeast Times]
2006 Keystone Winners: Division 6 [PA Newspaper Assoc.]
Archives: Northeast Times