Quickies: Slick Willie

• The group pairing with the union to bid for the Inquirer has President Clinton on the board of directors. Of course, he’s just a “senior advisor” and won’t be doing much, if anything, but, hey, perhaps they can get some hot interns out of the deal. Or, you know, ones that look like Monica Lewinsky. [New York Sun]

• Indicted officials getting money: It’s not just for Philadelphia City Council anymore! [Bucks County Courier Times]

• The player the Phillies traded Vicente Padilla for has been released. The good: New GM Pat Gillick isn’t afraid to admit mistakes. The bad: He might not have a clue what he’s doing. [Daily News]

• The U.S. debt clock will soon run out of room. “How about a government works project to build a new one?” says President Bush.

And It Was Indeed Answered

Last week we saw a little description that said Will Sheridan’s father was indeed proud of him. Last night, on the 10 O’Clock News, there was a story on St. Cyril’s School, which has raised $260,000 since Tommy GeroMichalos wrote to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, asking them to save his school, slated for closing by the Archdiocese.

It now appears the school will remain open. And Fox 29 had just the tagline for Tommy:

March 23: Breaking: Will Sheridan’s Father Proud

Abridged ‘Daily News’ Columnists

Stu Bykofsky: A new movie shows all the bull—- that John Street and his supporters said to get elected in 2003. By the way, I was at an invite-only preview screening, bitches!

Ronnie Polaneczky: Not only is SEPTA taking forever to finish the EL reconstruction in West Philly, but now they’re suing businesses that are being forced to shut down due to it! “This is a get-in-your-way-and-sue-your-ass-into-bankruptcy town, and we’re a get-in-your-way-and-sue-your-ass-into-bankruptcy organization,” says SEPTA.

Michael Smerconish: “[H]ere at Penn, a woman who had sex in front of an open window was deemed to be a victim of sexual harassment after (surprise, surprise) somebody snapped her photo and put it online.” Uh, Michael, not really. She filed a complaint, the University looked into it, and dismissed it. But, then again, since you’re going on Bill O’Reilly to promote your book, why should anyone think you’d be completely honest?

One Of Thes Things Is Not Like The Others

From the friendly Bucks County Courier Times crime log, a strange mashup of lawbreaking (emphasis mine):

Monica Anne Clarke, 33, no address given, 7:35 p.m., Mar 22, burglary, criminal trespass, theft, receiving stolen property, violation of Health and Safety Act on 800 block Bustleton Pk.

She also forced someone to quarter troops at their house, too, but for some reason that’s not listed in the crime log.

Public safety log 03.30.06 [Bucks County Courier Times]

We Are… Not Two Civilizations Clashing!

Uh, that’s great. But what does Joe Paterno have to do with it?

What Clash of Civilizations? [Slate]

Blogicized: G-Ho Ho Ho

• I’ve been meaning to promote this idea for a while, but I kept forgetting to. Brad Maule of Phillyskyline has declared that the Graduate Hospital area shall be called G-Ho, and, frankly, that sounds like a great idea to me. G-Ho! It’s the next JuNoGi, only better! [Phillyskyline]

• New changes at Citizens Bank Park this year: A higher left field fence, a more injured David Bell and no more Geno’s. Rick’s Steaks will be taking its place. [The 700 Level]

• Pennsylvania has turned to eBay to sell knives, scissors, bombs and NBA players’ marijuana confiscated from airports (wait, scratch those last two). [DaveRalis.com]

• Albert Yee is on the ballot for committeeperson! Chuck Pennachio better put a “Yee 2006″ banner on his blog now, too. [dragonballyee]

Mariano Is Free

Okay, first off, how hilarious is this photo from Rick Mariano’s official City Council page, after his little trip to the top of city hall? I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before. (That’s result No. 1 on Google for “Rick Mariano.” Results number 5 and 6 are none other than Philadelphia Will Do. How fun!)

Yesterday, Rick Mariano was released from jail after 11 days in jail. This is a good thing. As much as we here at Philadelphia Will Do mock Rick Mariano on an almost daily basis — and by “we,” I mean “I” — he should certainly have the right to see his family before he heads to prison for a few years. It’s not like he’s going to go running around City Hall in his last few days of freedom, taking bribes left and right, punching out Anna Verna and giving a wedgie to Brian O’Neill. (That last one would be awesome, actually.)

Despite what was previously said, Mariano won’t be in City Council tomorrow, which is kind of a shame, since he could surely provide some unintentional comedy in his final days in office. I mean, I don’t even really fault my boy Ricky for not relinquishing his post; the law doesn’t require him to, and, really, what would you expect? (It’s the other City Council members who are like, “Oh, he should get to keep his post!” that’s much more disgusting.)

Now that he’s out, though, Mariano has acually stopped causing his own hilarity and has started causing some media hilarity:

Mariano’s first public appearance since the verdict, a simple 20-foot walk from the federal courthouse in Center City to a waiting taxi, turned into a carnival. As he left, the councilman squeezed awkwardly through an aggressive pack of journalists. In the confusion, two photographers tumbled onto Market Street. [...]

Reached at his home last night on a quiet, treeless street in Juniata Park, Mariano, dressed in an olive-colored T-shirt, looked like he was relaxing - not expecting company.

He said he had no comment, and told a reporter: “Don’t come to my house.”

He then quickly shut the door.

But what kind of pants does he wear, Inquirer? All the facts, please!

In first public appearance, Mariano says ‘I’m fine,’ but nothing more [Inky]
Philadelphia City Council: Rick Mariano [Phila.gov]
Oct. 21: Mariano mayhem!
Archives: Rick Mariano

Wagering Dollars To Apples

I’m never quite sure what the attraction in bank robbing is anymore. Back in the 19th century, you could rustle up to the local bank, steal some cash with your six-shooter and spend your cash undetected until John Wayne caught you — provided he wasn’t portraying Genghis Khan at the time.

But now, there’s cameras, tagged money, tracking devices placed in bags and cops everywhere(ish) that can easily catch you. I’m sure people get away with bank robberies in America, but the risk/reward ratio just seems too great. You’re better off playing “red” in roulette, or getting your crime spree fix playing Grand Theft Auto. Or, you know, go into business.

Bank robberies are just too dangerous. Take yesterday, for instance. A robber robbed a bank in Northeast Philly, only to be caught a short time later in North Philly due to a tracking device. Same with another guy, who robbed a bank and hopped on a SEPTA bus… which, obviously, was pulled over a few blocks later. (One man did get away with a thousand bucks.)

The highlight of that first robbery in the Northeast was that the robber said he had a toxic chemical and he’d spill it all over if he didn’t get his cash. He got the cash, but the substance turned out to be apple juice.

Now, if it were prune juice, that’d be a toxic chemical.

Juiced up, he squeezes 6G from bank [Daily News]
The Conqueror [Registan.net]

Philly PD To Make World’s Largest Bong

The other day, the Philadelphia police were responding to a robbery call in West Philly and — whoops! — stumbled over $11.6 million of marijuana.

Now, obviously, if the police force were to, say, sell that $11.6 million of marijuana on the sly, that could make, oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of $11.6 million. But, of course, marijuana being illegal, the cops are just going to burn all the weed.

I’m no scientist, but it seems to me that burning a giant pile of weed might not be the best way to get rid of it, especially considering burning leaves is one way to turn them into, say, smoke. I fear that an 11.6 million dollar bonfire bong of marijuana will make every citizen in the 135 square miles of this city high. Actually, that might calm down some of our high-strung residents. Hmm.

Still, though, I’m not sold. And, apparently, neither was Metro, which asked the following:

What’s that dude in the center doing? Petting an exceptionally large, cute doggy? Leaning on a bike rack? Patting the head of a dwarf?

Although, maybe it has something to do with that $11.6 million worth of weed he’s planning on smoking. That’d make anyone do crazy shit.

Cops can’t cash in on record pot haul [Metro]
Yesterday: Commish Hops On The ‘Sixth Borough’ Bandwagon
Photo by highguy420 (who else?)

Where Was That Store Again?

From KYW 1060, who’s really hitting the zingers today:

All Strawbridge’s stories are being closed by their corporate owner. Some will become Macy’s, but a Macy’s is going into the old John Wanamaker building at 13th and Market Streets, so the 8th and Market Strawbridge’s at 8th and Market is up for grabs.

Great! Now where’s Robbins 8th and Walnut?

Retailers Eye the Soon-to-be-Former-Strawbridge’s Site [KYW 1060]