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Daultonian Metaphysics, explained

021706darrendaulton.jpg Darren Daulton is awesome. That’s all I can say about it. He’s awesome. He’s my new favorite ex-Phillie. He might be the greatest player of all time. No, the greatest person of all time.

Since he retired after winning a World Series with the Marlins in 1997, Darren Daulton hasn’t quite enjoyed the success of his 1993 Phillies peers. John Kruk is on ESPN. Lenny Dykstra owns a chain of car washes. Wes Chamberlain has a lucrative career with his organic soybean farm. (Okay, I made that last one up.) But Darren Daulton has been arrested “five or six” times, has reportedly had money woes (he denies this), &c. &c.

But now, all is okay, because — as reported on SI.com and in the Daily News — Darren Daulton is now into metaphysics. What does that mean, exactly? Let’s do this in charticle form:

  • Daulton defines metaphysics as anything beyond the five senses: reincarnation, the fourth and fifth dimensions, out-of-body experiences. He doesn’t say time travel, but we all have to assume that’s included, too.
  • Dutch says his car accident in Jan. 2001, where he was arrested for drunk driving, was actually someone intentionally running him off the road because of a business deal with ties to the FBI and White House.
  • He once got the game-winning hit against the Cubs (while with the Marlins in this final season) and, afterward, started crying. He told his wife “I didn’t hit that ball. Something happened, but it wasn’t me.”
  • Daulton subscribes (loosely) to the Mayan theory: The world will end on Dec. 12, 2012, at exactly 11:11 GMT. At that time, the chosen will simply vanish from the plane of existence.
  • During his last stint in prison, he wrote a 32,000-word manuscript titled If They Only Knew! that’s all about his theories.
  • Dutch thinks the secrets of the pyramids are strategically placed all around the galaxy (the moon, Mars, &c.).
  • And here’s his feeling on rosin bags: “Sure. A rosin bag is just a mirage of innumerable particles constantly speeding up or slowing down. But the Fourth and Fifth Dimensions remain unseen by most people. Their vibrations are at a lower frequency.”

Darren Daulton, everyone! I can’t wait to buy his book. Someone find this man a publisher.

Beam us up, Dutchie [SI.com]
Daulton caught off base [DN]

  1. J Says: Oct 28 12:33 AM

    hey i’m reading about darren daulton. Someone should investigate this. There is a supernatural world among us and people need to start waking up to reality

  2. Toby Says: May 2 8:55 PM

    I think he was traumatized by Joe Carter, eh!

  3. Nasir Mauldin Says: Jun 21 7:56 AM

    Veteran actor William Franklyn, known for voicing the 1960s Schweppes TV adverts, dies aged 81.

  4. Nasir Mauldin Says: Jun 21 7:59 AM

    Veteran actor William Franklyn, known for voicing the 1960s Schweppes TV adverts, dies aged 81.

  5. Ally Says: Oct 19 11:05 AM

    He’s been saying the same things that marianne williamson writes about in her books and they are on the NY Times bestseller list. maybe people should open their minds a little.

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