And don’t even think of ordering a cheesesteak the wrong way

Today in South Philly, the police force is implementing a zero tolerance policy for crime. All crimes. Not just your average serious crimes like shootings and burgularies but even things like bigamy, tax evasion, running red lights and even the best Philadelphia pastime of all:

“I would advise you not to jaywalk. It will be zero tolerance,” said Capt. Jerrold Bates of the 17th Police District in South Philadelphia. “It’s going to be pretty intense.”

This can only mean one thing: somebody’s gonna get shot but the cops’ll be too busy arresting jaywalkers to apprehend the gunman.

In S. Phila., ‘zero tolerance’ for crime [Inky]

Big o’ you? No, it’s big o’ me! (Sigh.)

A Montgomery County man, Alfred Otero (left, and quite a looker; come and get it, ladies!), is charged with bigamy, a crime that I thought went out with bootlegging alcohol. But, he’s accused of being married to two women at the same time — one who he wedded in the Caribbean five years ago, the other who he married in 1985.

Crimes like these kind of just make you want to say, “Wow! Really? How’d you pull that one off?” I guess going to the Caribbean will allow you to get though the ceremony unnoticed, but five years without anyone noticing? Impressive.

There is a twist to the story, as the KYW 1060 article notes:

Prosecutor Risa Ferman says Otero knew he was married to two women. What they don’t know is if he knew it was a crime.

Later, Otero went on a puppy-kicking rampage. Prosecutors don’t know if he knew if that was a crime, either.

Collegeville Man Charged with Bigamy [KYW 1060]

Traffic on the twos took forever, too

I know I put my first post up a little later than usual today. (I’ll be honest: I lost track of time while reading the morning papers.) I’d apologize, but you’re probably still stuck in traffic.

Indeed, this morning the accidents came fast and furious. The Pennsylvania turnpike was shut down near Norristown because of an overturned tractor trailer. In Jerz, the Admiral Wilson Boulevard was shut down because of a jackknifed tractor trailer. 95 and 76? Well, they were busy as well. (No major accidents, though; I bet they feel left out.)

The only winner in this was KYW 1060 morning traffic guy Sam Clover, who got to be on the radio for approximately five minutes each traffic report, running through all the delays.

And so what does this all mean? You got it: apocalypse. It’s coming.

A Bad Morning for Area Drivers [KYW 1060]

Nuclear winter is coming

I know this isn’t “Philadelphia news,” per se, but I’m pretty sure this is mentioned as one of the signs of the apocalypse in the Book of Revelation, so I had to make a note of it.

Duff’s Rockin’ New Year [E! via Yahoo!]

Blogicized: All the news that’s print to fit

• Realtor sends out letters telling Penn kids they won’t renew leases on the 3900 block of Sansom; are loading docks on their way? [Phillyblog]

• The National Weather Service asks: Will we have a mild winter? I think the bigger question is: Why does the National Weather Service write in all capital letters? [Philadelphia Weather]

• Abraham Nuñez signs with Phillies, which means less playing time for David Bell. Hurrah! Hurrah! [Beerleaguer]

• Finally, a college education we can get excited about. [Overheard in Philly]

Make your own offensive joke

Ooh, is this some kind of Great Carnac routine? I just can’t wait until Carson reveals the answer.

Entertainment Report: Michael Jackson and the Jews [KYW 1060]

In other news

Sounds painful.

CBS 3

Wait a minute, Mr. Postman

Hey kids! Don’t like your mailman? Well, you can correct that by beating him to a bloody pulp! Indeed, a mail carrier in Hamilton, N.J., was beaten severely by a man who didn’t like the way he put mail in his mailbox.

Now, there’s not really much a mailman can do to screw up delivering mail except for being late. I guess he could crumple up all the birthday cards you’re getting or something, but that seems unlikely. No, the manner in which a mailman — and, yes, we’re using masculine preference in this blog post because the phrase “letter carrier” is effing stupid, sorry — delivers mail is really not something I could ever forsee anyone complaining about.

But Anthony Vega-Lopez, of Trenton — he attacked the mailman right on the Hamilton-Trenton border — didn’t like that the mailman didn’t properly close the door to his mailbox.

Residents, though, are worried — but not so much about the crazy neighbor:

“Nobody is going to want to deliver mail here anymore,” said a witness.

It’s good to know we’re all about what’s important.

Letter carrier attacked on route [Trenton Times]
Postman attacked [Trentonian]

Philadelphia Forward knows just what buttons to push

Aww. Is that a cavalier? Awwwww! Yeah, tax reform, sure, keep the puppies alive! Aww! Puppies! Yay!

Philadelphia Forward
Related: The cutest puppy ever!

New in today’s Metro…

… pages printed upside down.

Maybe it’s a Swedish thing.

U.S. Editions [Metro]