Philly Sports Fan’s Big Adventure!

Admit it, your day was pretty much like this, too.

Pre-Phillies: Get up. Discuss chances of Phillies’ one-game playoff with parents. Make strange suicide pool pick (Raiders). Checked fantasy football teams. Play game of Madden (Eagles 10, Redskins 7). Order pizza.

Phillies game, early innings: Switch back and forth between several different games: Phillies-Nationals, Yankees-Red Sox, Giants-Rams, Patriots-Chargers. Attempt to send out loss rays from brain to Houston. Got strangely excited when Jimmy Rollins got a hit in his 36th consecutive game. Discuss possibility of Rollins breaking DiMaggio’s record next season. Discuss possibility of Rollins going 0-for-4 in first game next season.

Phillies game, middle innings: Cheer as Phils took big 5-0 lead. Boo when Houston grabbed early 2-0 advantage. Cheer Patriots falling behind big to Chargers. Flip over to Rams-Giants game and see Stephen Jackson fumble. Later, discuss awful-ness of Bill Mass’ announcing and get this instant message from friend:

basically, bill maas ranked the top 3 mistakes ever occurring in the history in the world as:

1) adam and eve eating the forbidden fruit
2) stephen jackson fumbling on a reverse
3) the US underestimating the japanese threat in world war II

Phillies game, late innings: Call parents to discuss Cubs’ 4-3 lead. Make fun of Chris Wheeler’s announcing. Pace around apartment, wearing holes in shoes. Discuss possibility of attending one-game playoff at Citizens Bank Park tomorrow. Curse Neifi Perez as his error leads to Astros regaining lead. Attempt to buy tickets for one-game playoff, change mind when realizing Phillies would get a $4 “non-refundable order fee,” because websites are so hard to set up and take orders with them. Curse Phillies.

Eagles-Phillies mashup: Curse Todd France. Curse Andy Reid. Curse John Harbaugh, special teams coach. Curse every person in the city of Chicago. Discuss Red Sox-White Sox playoff matchup and its effect on headline puns. Cheer Wagner’s final out.

Final play, Cubs-Astros: Get very, very excited for a half-second after Cubs final at-bat almost looks like it’s going to go through the middle for a single. Discuss ideas for new TV show:

i wish there was a sports equivalent of wolf blitzer’s situation room.

Eagles game, rest of first quarter: Say “What the hell, guys?” a bunch of times. Curse John Harbaugh. Suggest he be “fired.”

Eagles game, second quarter: Discuss Terrell Owens’ celebration. Advance possibility that TO was doing a “photo booth” celebration and posing for a photo after putting a quarter in the imaginary slot on the goalposts. Wonder why it wasn’t shown more or discussed on the broadcast. Make fun of Troy Aikman.

Eagles game, third quarter: Say the line, “McNabb to Bartrum, touchdown all day!” Discuss possibility of Bono winning Nobel Prize. Further discuss tonight’s game in Mexico City. Ponder what stadium will look like, being unfairly biased and not realizing it’d look just like any other stadium. Curse Daunte Culpepper for ruining fantasy season. Discuss Joe Buck’s line: “The rookie Derrick Johnson had a wide open shot on Derrick McNabb.”

Eagles game, fourth quarter: Lay down on ground and close eyes as Todd France kicks field goal that gives Eagles lead. Watch replay of Sheldon Brown’s second interception over and over and over. Mimic L.J. Smith’s “shoot an arrow into the air” touchdown celebration. Wonder how Dante Hall could score twice and the Eagles would still manage to win. Curse Cubs again. Discuss Joe Buck’s top three worst events in human history:

1. Adam and Eve eating forbidden fruit.

2. The Chiefs’ Larry Johnson fumbling before the half.
3. The doggie day care place on 11th street putting up plastic to stop everyone from being able to look at the doggies on their way to work in the morning.

Eagles post-game: Fall asleep during Andy Reid’s press conference. Discuss Doug Forrester ads and how they make him look like a douchebag. Discuss Penn State’s jump from “Also receiving votes” to 16th in AP poll with ex-girlfriend.

Simpsons: Watch for 10 minutes, switch to West Wing.

West Wing: Get really stunned when they do the fake Jimmy Smits’ character coming out thing in the elevator.

49ers-Cardinals, second half: Bash Denny Green. Cheer when Neil Rackers kicks his sixth field goal, since he’s on fantasy team. Realize all fantasy teams are going to lose anyway.

Right before bed: Curse Cubs.